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June 14th My Son Is Coming Home.

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The coroner has rang today and the funeral home. My son will be getting collected from Liverpool, Monday morning. Which means I can hopefully see him Tuesday. Its Friday today. It will be over 2 weeks since I last saw my child. As a mother, my body is yearning to see my son. I just need to hold him and kiss him on his head. I feel sickness to the pit of my stomach, I'm dreading seeing my baby in a coffin, I'm dreading the funeral. This shouldn't be happening. His funeral will be July 1st at 12.15. I just feel numb. Im convinced its not my son and he'll just arrive home at some point.. I feel hollow with a sick feeling in my stomach. A few of my friends delivered me a beautiful canvas of my son this morning. What beautiful, thoughtful people I have in my life. I don't really know how I feel or what to say, I don't understand how I'm still alive. I'm lost...
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January 27th Monday.

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I went out Saturday, only for a couple of hours. The food was lovely and I enjoyed being out of the house. Yesterday I went to see my friend so it hasn't been a bad weekend.  I don't know why but I hate been stuck in the house. My mind goes on overdrive when I'm sat on my own. I guess that's normal under the circumstances.  Wednesday is fast approaching and I'm so nervous. I'm nervous but can't wait to learn how to drive. It will do me the world of good I know this. I've started eating meat again after being a vegetarian for 3 years. How strange how the body changes. I was craving bacon so I ate bacon, and I'm so glad I did. Bacon is delicious. Bacon and cheese oatcakes I've just eaten. How did I go 3 years not eating meat? I've not long got back from the cafe. I go every morning and have a cup of tea and a chat with my friends. I'm not feeling to bad today mentally speaking.  I was thinking this morning, how are my dad and son dead? It j...
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October 30th Wednesday.

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With tears streaming down my face, I type this blog. Really struggling today, my mental health is shocking. I honestly wish I was dead. I dont think I can do this anymore. Im tired of fighting everyday. Im just so fucking tired of being alive. Im mentally tired of life. How selfish is it that I have to stay alive for my kids. I wish someone would just say, "its ok to go now". I wish my kids could live without me. Im literally forcing myself to stay alive for my kids. Ive been awake since early hours with really bad acid in my throat and ive thrown my guts up. Im tired, I know im tired because im crying alot. I ordered a beginners crochet set that is coming today. Lets hope it occupies my mind. I keep thinking about how I have enough medication to kill myself. Do you know how hard it is to battle suicidal idiation? Its fucking torture!! My psychiatrist wants me to do some more bereavement counselling but not at the moment, she thinks its too soon. Its been 21 weeks without my ...
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