Cancer, Depression and Me.

Jasper's just had his braces fitted. He just smiled at me and I saw Jay-Dee. He looks so much like him. Miss Jay-Dee and my dad so much. It hurts my heart that they're no longer here with me. Im sad today. January is finally over. Thank god. Spring is around the corner. Im 4 years and 1 month sober. Thank you Jesus. I pray for strength and ive made it through the first month of the year. I can do this. Im stronger than I think. Today's just a bad day. Tomorrow could be better and thats what im living for. The 'better days'. Im healing and its going to take some time, I need to stop being so hard on myself. Im drowning in grief, but somehow manage to stay afloat. I get my strength from my children and with the power of prayer. Thank god I have my faith to keep me sane. First thing I do now when im feeling down is pray. You might think im crazy and I probably am, but prayer helps me and thats the main thing. Anyway, going back to Jasper. Hes just had his braces fitted...

So, i unblocked Natalie this morning. She's sorry, blah blah blah. Don't know what do about the situation. On one hand, I like the girl, but to speak to me like im shit isn't sitting well with me. Ive told her shes a red flag haha. Seriously though, what do I do? After speaking for a month, shes told me she loves me.. if thats not ringing alarm bells then nothing will ha. Ill just see what happens. Anyway, Jasper told me last night that hes depressed. So glad hes told me and felt comfortable enough to talk to me. Hes not been right since Jay-Dee passed away. Im ringing the doctors Monday morning to get an appointment. Im not about to lose another child thats for sure. Went the cafe this morning see my friends. My brother came earlier, so today hasn't been too bad mentally speaking. I mean, im sad as shit inside, but im coping better. I want to come off my Olanzopine, i dont feel a thing being on it. Im numb to life. Im scared to come off it because of how bad mentally I...

Had to block that girl ive been chatting to last night. Everything was fine. She said she was out having a drink, I thought fair enough, shes not drinking with me so I dont mind. But then she started speaking to me horrible, she was swearing at me. I said who do you think youre talking to and she said 'you' with an exclamation mark. If thats how she can speak to me a month into chatting, then can you imagine further on along the line. Ive worked too damn hard for the peaceful life I have now. No way is someone going speak to me like that. I blocked her on wattsapp and Facebook, then she blew my phone up with messages, so had to block her number too. Not going lie, im gutted, but im sorry im not being spoken to like im something on the bottom of your shoe. So anyway, thats the end of that. I give up. Maybe im just better off on my own. Haven't gone the cafe this morning, just wasn't feeling it. Im currently using stain remover on Jesses favourite blanket because he had a...

My dad and Jay-Dee are heavy on my heart today. Why is life so god damn cruel. I miss them both so much it really hurts. How will it be 2 years in June for Jay-Dee and 6 years November for my dad? Ive been mentally unwell for such a long time. My mental health goes way back to my teenage years, but when my dad died, something in me died that day too. Been struggling since. God I miss them. Why my son? My first born beautiful baby. 21 is no age to die. My dad was 55. Its just devastating. Going go see my mate later when shes finished work because I need to snap out of this dark mood im in. Jensen told me earlier before he went work, that he'll be getting an apartment in Manchester by the end of this year with his gf who currently lives in the USA. Feel a bit gutted that he'll be moving to Manchester. Ill hardly see him. Made me feel a bit low. Only want the best for him, but god I will miss him. Im writing today off as a shit day!

Once again I chose sleep over the school run. Ffs. Definitely going get a fine. Its just some days I wake up so drained. I got up and brushed my teeth and I saw how cosy Jesse was, so I climbed back into bed and cuddled up with him. Yes he sleeps with me. All my boys slept with me. Im making the most of it before he grows up and spends all his time locked away gaming in his bedroom. They're not little for long. Anyway, im still chatting to Natalie. Just need get over my anxiety so I can actually meet up with her. She's older than me. Think shes 46. My heads a complete mess. I enjoy chatting to her, but im also happy on my own. Well, im not happy, but you know what I mean. Im content with it just being me and the boys. Im finding it hard to let someone in. It'll happen one day. Brought a toastie machine yesterday. My brother and sister are always on about how good they are, so thought id buy one. Long story short, Jensen has taken 4 cheese and bean toasties work haha. Had to...

Its been a long day and now its nearly bed time. Thank god. Nipped see my friend earlier for a couple of hours. We always have a laugh when we're together. It does me good. Pushing myself to do more. Yes im still messaging Natalie. That's going good. Im hoping to overcome my anxiety so I can meet up with her. Ive asked God for so long to send me someone to love. Could it be Natalie? I guess we'll never know if i dont meet up with her haha. Can you believe its nearly February? Managed to dissociate the majority of January. Jasper's going soon and then ill be getting in bed. Just absolutely love being asleep. I snore apparently. The boys say they can hear me from downstairs. How bad is that haha. My dad was a snorer. He was so loud. God I miss him so much. Just miss them both. How will it be 2 years in June for my son? How the fuck have I made it this far? Crazy! 6 years November for my dad. April 21st ill be 5 years cancer free. Which means I should be discharged from th...

Still messaging Natalie. Told her I have EUPD and im finding it hard to move on in life. Stuck in grief arent I, but she said we'll go at my pace. She's persistent ill give her that haha. We'll just see where it goes. If nothing happens, at least I made a new friend.. today consists of washing. Just hand washed 2 of Jensens jumpers. They're wool so im not risking shrinking them. I made that mistake a few months back with one of his expensive jumpers. I put it in the washer on a normal wash and it came out 10 sizes too small oops haha. Won't be doing that again. Jesse is sleeping Damians tonight, so myself, Jasper and Jensen are getting a Domino's pizza. Ill never be slim, but due know what? I could be dead tomorrow. You never know when your time could be up. Trying my best to live this life. Jesses in the bath making some 'experiments' as he calls it with all my shower gels. It'll keep him good half an hour. Went Rachaels last night to see her and Be...