Cancer, Depression and Me.

So, after I blogged yesterday I ended up going shopping with Jensen. We were walking out of home bargains and a few cars away from me, I saw a boy get out of his car and the first thing I saw was Jay-Dees face. I said to Jensen, ive just seen Jay-Dee and he said he saw him too. For a moment I got to look at my sons face. New Years Eve and im sat watching a documentary and drinking water. 4 years sober tomorrow. 4 years alcohol free, how the fuck have I manage to stay sober after losing my son? What an achievement, 4 years. Im so proud of myself. Im praying for better mental health in 2026. I can't do another year like the last 5 years. Don't know how ive gotten through the last 5 years. Jensen has gone Stone tonight with his mates and im so scared that something bad will happen. Ive told him to stay safe and I love him. Those were the words I sent to Jay-Dee and look how that turned out, because ive lost a child im so scared im going to lose another. Myself and Jesse will be as...

Been to Asda with Jesse to top the food up, and now im sat wondering why my son killed himself. Its hard to believe that he's not here anymore. It kills me inside everyday. He must of been feeling so low and lonely. My heart breaks that I never got to say goodbye to my first born child, my son, Jay-Dee. How am I meant to come back from this? Losing my father and son. How do you come back? Im scared that ill be lost forever. I'll be glad get back to the school run now for some normality. Had to check what day it was before I started my blog. Losing track of the days. Jensen has just woke up, he's got 8 days off work now. Jasper is still fast asleep and Jesse is on his ps5. Im sat doing nothing and this is when my mind goes on overdrive. Its 1pm, ive been awake 3 hours and I already want to go back bed. Depression is horrible. Im sick of it. Sick of feeling the way I feel. Tired of feeling tired. Tired of fighting for my life. Its going to get the better of me, I just know it...

Was just sat thinking of how much i miss my dad's phone call everyday. Its been 5 years and im still grieving, only now im grieving my child loss too. Thought about killing myself today. Can't see me ever getting better mentally. Im fed up. Grief eats away at me daily, and i know its always going to be this way. So how am I meant to live? How do I get "better"? Diets going shit. Just keep eating Christmas chocolate. Be glad when ive eaten it all haha. Feels like a sunday today, saying that I have taken Jesse for a hair cut. Got us both out of the house an hour. You know what I'd love. I'd love to lie in a hot bath, submerge myself under the water and just drown. That's them intrusive thoughts again! Anyway, its been a shit day. Thinking of taking Jesse the park or something tomorrow. Think it will do us both good. I'll let you know what i decide. We've got snow coming Friday it says on my weather app. Anyway, not going to kill myself, dont worry. I...

I need medication to get through the day, and thats ok. I need to remember that its ok to need medication to survive. I dread to think where I'd he without the meds if im honest. The amount i take and im still depressed. Can you imagine how low I'd be without them. Its a shame I have to take medication because I'd love to just feel normal, I dont even know what normal is. I just know its not fair that im plagued with depression. I went see a couple of my friends earlier. Had to force myself to go. Honestly its draining. I dont even want to get out of bed, never mind socialising, but I push myself so my depression doesn't get any worse. Im glad I went, got me out of the house a few hours. The whole time I was out, I just wanted to be at home. Its 5pm and I just want to go and die in bed. I am so fed up of feeling like this. I can't do another year in survival mode. Wonder if ill meet someone in the new year, can't really be bothered if im honest with starting aga...

Sort of lose track of what day it is after Christmas. Not done alot today. Opened up the 2 cheese boards I'd brought, and myself, Jasper and Jensen ate cheese and crackers. Ate some left over turkey. Fed my dog left over turkey. Had a pj day today. Tomorrow I plan on leaving the house at some point. I need to before I lose my mind. Can't wait go bed. Feel so fed up. Christmas is hard when people you love are no longer here. I honestly didn't want to get out of bed this morning. Thank God I have Jesse and my pets, I have no choice but to get up. Some times I think to myself, if I died who would feed my dog and kitten? Who would look after Jesse? I have no choice but to stay alive. Why do I always think about death? There's something seriously wrong with me. I'd love to die, but I'd hate to leave my kids. Anyway, ive started fasting, a couple of days ago. Really want to lose weight this year. I go abroad in July, i need to lose a few stone. Im really going to try ...

Its been a busy day, can't wait get into bed. I was wide awake at 4am for ages, managed to get back asleep for an hour or so and then Jesse woke me up. Jesses little face lit up when he'd seen that Santa has been. Hes 9 now so this was probably his last year in believing in Santa. Bless his heart, he keeps saying Merry Christmas mum and love you. Hes so beautiful. Cooked a beautiful dinner and we've been my sisters for a few hours. Its been a hard day. I was telling my brother how much I miss my dad and son, and how hard today is. Ive kept a smile on my face for Jesse, but inside im so sad. Jensen got me a Stanley beaker with Jay-Dees photo on. So thoughtful of him. I'll post the pic at the end. Can't wait get into bed. Today has worn me out. Everyone was drinking at my sisters and I was on water. Life's shit. Proud of myself for staying sober. Nearly 4 years sober. How have I manged that after losing my child? I have no clue.

Jensen has taken me to Asda to get my last few bits. It was rammed in there. Its crazy. My turkey is in the oven and my veg is all peeled and prepared. I was just sat thinking about my dad and my son and how heartbroken I am. Its Christmas eve, I should be filled with excitement, but im not. Im just devastated. My 5th Christmas without my dad and my 2nd Christmas without Jay-Dee. Its not getting easier. Are you all ready for Christmas? Hope its lovely for you. Im hoping Jesse doesn't wake up mega early, but we'll see. Ive tried my best with buying presents on what little money I had, and ive not done bad. Be glad when its all over now. Looking forward to going my sisters tomorrow evening for a little family get together. It'll be nice. I'd imagine my morning will be hectic. Building Jesse's toys, putting batteries in toys and cooking dinner. My brother will be down at some point to have dinner with us all. Its just not the same anymore now my dad and son are dead. D...