Cancer, Depression and Me.

I'm having a shit day today. I've thought about killing myself and then I thought about Jesse waiting for me after school and me not being there to collect him. So I can't kill myself can I? I keep thinking could I of done more to prevent my son from killing himself? I feel like I should of done more but what could I of done? Why didn't he message me or ring me? Why my son? I have so many unanswered questions and I'll never get an answer until I see him again. I wish I could turn back the clock and save his life. I wish I could of saved my son. I'm just having a bad day. Jensen travels back from Colombia today, his holiday has gone so fast. I can't wait to see him. I'm trying have a sleep on the settee but I can't switch my brain off. I just keep thinking about Jay-Dee. Life is hard work isn't it? I've not long had bacon and cheese oatcakes. I'm obsessed with bacon at the moment. I wake up in the morning and I can't wait go back bed. ...

So I've just had my 4th driving lesson. I stalled it a few times, I'm not taking my foot off the clutch slow enough! God I hope it starts to come naturally. I just keep thinking everyone who's new to driving probably stalled alot to in the beginning. Well that's what I'm telling myself anyway. I started calorie counting yesterday and managed stay under 1400 calories. I tried weighing myself before I started and the batteries had gone in my scales, but I roughly know what I am because I've weighed myself a few weeks ago. I've got alot of weight to lose so we'll see if I can stick to the calorie counting.  I went Asda this  morning and brought some healthy ready meals for my tea. As long as I stick under 1400 calories I should be able to lose a few lbs each week. Like I say though, it's only day 2 but upto now I'm doing good. I've got a calorie counting app on my phone so I just have to scan everything I eat. Pretty simple really. I've got ...

I saw every hour on the clock Friday night, I couldn't sleep. I couldn't switch off, my sons funeral song was playing over and over in my head. All yesterday I spent under my blanket on the settee. I tried to nap but still couldn't switch off it was horrible. Thankfully I slept better last night but Friday night was absolute torture.  I know my mum sleeps shit so I was messaging her at 3am and she was awake too. Jesse's back at school tomorrow, how fast has this past week gone. Crazy. I think to myself often, how are my dad and my son gone forever. It still doesn't seem real that I'll never see them again. It plays on my mind. Ever likely I can't switch off at night. Grief is hard. I can be fine 1 minute and the next I can feel depressed.  I know it's something I've got to learn to live with, I know this, but some days are harder than others. I've got no plans for today. The weather is rubbish. I'm sat wondering what I can do to pass the time...

It's done me so much good getting out of the house the past few days. Met up with my friends today at Just Kidding whilst the kids all played and had fun. I even talked about Jay-Dee and was able to smile.  I'm so lucky to have such supportive friends around me.  We talked about my sobriety and how amazing it is that even after the death of my son, I remain sober. It's not been an easy journey to be on, sobriety is hard work. I can feel myself getting stronger everyday. I've pushed myself this week to do things and I'm so glad I have. The evenings are hard, around 5:30pm Jay-Dee would usually come walking in from work and I miss having his tea ready for him. I miss everything about him. I miss his cheeky little smile he use to do, I miss washing his work clothes and having them ready on a Sunday night. I just miss my son so much. They say when a child dies you begin another life. You had the life when your child was alive and then you have to start all over again wh...

Yesterday when Jesse was with Damian I went to visit my mate Rachael and today I've been to visit my mum. I'm getting out of the house more which is good. I've got plans everyday this week which will be good. Jesse is going Alton Towers tomorrow for a sleep over with Damian so my sister is cooking me my tea. Wednesday I'm going my mates for dinner. Thursday I've booked Just Kidding with my friends from school, which will be nice for us all to meet up and then on Friday my brother visits. So this week won't be so bad. It does my mental health the world of good getting out of the house. I have anxiety but I push through. I've just got to keep pushing through and try to get better. I'm fine once I'm out of the house, it's when I'm stuck in my mind goes on overdrive.  It was 37 weeks yesterday since my son passed away, Sundays are a hard day but going to visit my friend took my mind off things. I know he will always be on my mind, but some days a...

It hit me again the other night, that I'm never going to see my son again. I've felt low the past couple of days. It's true what they say about grief, it really does come in waves. I still can't believe he's gone forever.  My son Jensen flys out to Colombia today and I've got anxiety about him going. He's got 2 days of travelling alone. Doesn't matter how old they get they will always be my babies and I will always worry. Because I've lost a child I think I worry even more, I can't lose another child.  It's going to be a long 10 days without him here. Changing the subject slightly, I've been binge watching Yellow Stone, if you haven't seen it you should definitely give it a go. I think it's brilliant.  I've got my friend coming later for a few hours and that's about it for today. I've got no plans. Jesse has broke up now for half term so I need to do things with him so we're not stuck in this house. It's hard t...

Had my 3rd driving lesson yesterday and he threw me in at the deep end and had me driving to Leek and back. I shocked myself at how well I did. I still stalled it a couple of times but I'm getting there. 2 of my friends came last night for a catch up and cups of tea. Yesterday wasn't a bad day because I was occupied. It's when I'm sat on my own I get sad. I've been for a valentines afternoon tea today with Jesse at school, and tomorrow I'm booked on an afternoon craft session which is for valentines day. Jesse breaks up tomorrow for half term and I need to get out of this house as much as I can so I don't go insane. I'm meeting my friends through the holidays and my sister and mum so I should be ok.  I've just made a butter chicken curry for tea with rice and garlic bread and I must say it was lovely. Today has been a better day. I dreamt last night that I started drinking alcohol again, how weird. I do miss drinking some times but I know it would ki...

So, I went church yesterday,  Damian took Jesse out for the day. I absolutely love going to church. It fills me with so much peace and love. I love my church family. I've just got back from seeing my friends in the cafe. I've got such a good group of friends, who are very supportive.  I didn't want get out of bed this morning, I contemplated letting Jesse have the day off school, but i forced myself to take him and I'm glad I did.  I've got no plans for today except cleaning. Oh the joys. As much as I think to myself that I can't do this anymore, I am in fact doing this. I'm getting up everyday and I'm getting through each day and for that I'm thankful. I brought my friend Tom a thank you gift. It's a selection of chocolates that say 'thankyou'. He checks up on me daily to see if I'm ok so I thought it would be nice. It's nice to show appreciation. I gave it him this morning in the cafe. I'm not feeling too bad today mentally ...

Not felt too bad since I spent the day under my blanket all day Thursday. My brother came yesterday morning and stayed till the evening and my friend has been this morning. That's what I need people around me.  When you're sat alone the mind goes on overdrive doesn't it? Or is it just me? Anyway, had a good catch up with Rachael and she's starting her driving lessons the end of this month so it's give us both something to look forward to. I have my 3rd lesson on Tuesday and I'm both nervous and excited. It's my dream to be able to drive. I feel so isolated because I don't drive. Life will improve dramatically when I'm driving, I think. I'm just about to start watching Yellow Stone. My brother has recommended it, he said its brill so I'll give it a go. I'm just doing some washing and cleaning to keep me busy in between watching this programme. I find it hard to sit and concentrate on a programme if I'm not into it, so we'll see if ...

All day ive thought about Jay-Dee.  I will forever ask 'why'? What must of been going on in my sons head to think suicide was the only option.  It kills me inside. I have days where I want to kill myself so I can understand if he was having suicidal thoughts. I just wish he'd of messaged me or something. I wish I could of saved him. I wish my son was still here. I know first hand how hard them days are where you think you can't go on. I battle with suicidal thoughts alot. I wish things were different. I wish I could of saved my child. I ask him why on a daily basis, hoping to hear his reply. I've got to wait for my death before I can see my son and dad again.  Why has so much tragedy happened in such a short space of time and why did I survive my cancer? I have so many unanswered questions.  My world has been flipped upside down and I've got try and live with everything that's happened. Ever likely my heads a mess. I miss my son and dad every single day. Not...

Had my 2nd driving lesson today and I was so close to cancelling it because of my anxiety but once again, I did it and I did better than last week. Really enjoyed it and I'm glad I pushed myself to do it. I doubt myself so much and I don't know why. Anxiety is a bitch but I just keep pushing myself. The only way to overcome my anxiety is to force myself to step out of my comfort zone.  My mate has not long left, we've had a few cups of tea and a good catch up. Today hasn't been so bad. Once again I was able to talk about Jay-Dee and not cry. I'm getting stronger everyday. I know I'm going to have my bad days, but I need to remember the better days, and push through. What I can't understand is, where has my anxiety come from? Is it a part of grief? It's a battle everyday to push myself to do things, but I do it because I know it will only get worse. For somebody that wishes they were dead on a daily basis, I'm a strong person. I keep getting up everyd...

Instead of sitting in feeling sorry for myself I've got up and gone to church. Damian has taken Jesse swimming so I thought why not go church. Don't get me wrong my anxiety was through the roof but I pushed myself to go. So glad I went, I love being with my church family. Church really is a special place. The peace you feel within is amazing. I've not been for a while so that explains the anxiety, but I overcome that and went. Jesse's still with Damian so I decided to have myself a nice bath in peace and washed my hair. I only wash my hair once a week because I hate it. I've mentioned before how much hair I loss when I wash it because of the Menopause which is why it's a once a week thing. I keep thinking about going short with my hair but I do like it when it's been freshly washed, dried and straightened. It's just a task doing it. Thought about my son today as I sat in church, I miss him so much it's unreal. I've got my next driving lesson on T...

I hate the weekends, my son left the house on a Saturday and never returned, he killed himself early hours Sunday morning and it kills me inside. I'm trying to stay busy today so I've cleaned my bathroom and I've just bleached all my kitchen cupboards and draws. I keep looking for cleaning to do just to occupy me. Jesse is going out with Damian today so I've got all his clothes ready. I've done my dishes. I've cooked breakfast for Jensen, eggs on toast and now I'm sat down. It's only 10 past 1 and I can't wait get back into bed. Sleeping is my escape from the world.  It's crazy how alone you can feel even though there's people around you. Jasper will be here soon and he sleeps on a Saturday, we get a take away. I love my kids being around me but my heart aches for Jay-Dee. It's crazy because I still expect him to come walking through the door. I've noticed that my mental health declines at the weekend but I just hope it starts to get ...