February 6th Thursday.

All day ive thought about Jay-Dee. 

I will forever ask 'why'?

What must of been going on in my sons head to think suicide was the only option. 

It kills me inside.

I have days where I want to kill myself so I can understand if he was having suicidal thoughts. I just wish he'd of messaged me or something. I wish I could of saved him.

I wish my son was still here.

I know first hand how hard them days are where you think you can't go on. I battle with suicidal thoughts alot. I wish things were different. I wish I could of saved my child.

I ask him why on a daily basis, hoping to hear his reply. I've got to wait for my death before I can see my son and dad again. 

Why has so much tragedy happened in such a short space of time and why did I survive my cancer?

I have so many unanswered questions. 

My world has been flipped upside down and I've got try and live with everything that's happened. Ever likely my heads a mess.

I miss my son and dad every single day. Not a day goes by where I don't think of them both, and the only comfort I get is knowing they're together in heaven.

I'm having a shit day today but we knew my better days wouldn't last didn't we?

I've done nothing today except lie underneath my blanket. I hate days like today. I wish I could turn back the hands of time but I can't, and I've got to try and live a life without my child and father.

God life is hard work.

About half 5 at night I expect Jay-Dee to come walking through the door after he's finished work, but he never does and hits me all over again that he's gone forever.

It's been over 4 years since my dad passed away and I'm still struggling. I'm never going to come to terms with my sons death if I can't even deal with my dad's death.

I don't expect to live a long life, I often think that I'll die by suicide at some point. Just not yet though as it would kill my other kids. I have no choice but to keep living for them.