February 1st Saturday.

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I hate the weekends, my son left the house on a Saturday and never returned, he killed himself early hours Sunday morning and it kills me inside. I'm trying to stay busy today so I've cleaned my bathroom and I've just bleached all my kitchen cupboards and draws. I keep looking for cleaning to do just to occupy me. Jesse is going out with Damian today so I've got all his clothes ready. I've done my dishes. I've cooked breakfast for Jensen, eggs on toast and now I'm sat down. It's only 10 past 1 and I can't wait get back into bed. Sleeping is my escape from the world. 
It's crazy how alone you can feel even though there's people around you. Jasper will be here soon and he sleeps on a Saturday, we get a take away. I love my kids being around me but my heart aches for Jay-Dee. It's crazy because I still expect him to come walking through the door. I've noticed that my mental health declines at the weekend but I just hope it starts to get easier. It'll be 35 weeks tomorrow since my son passed away. 35 weeks of heartache. I'm still grieving the death of my father and now I have to grieve my sons death too. Life isn't easy at all. 
It'll be half term in a couple of weeks and I'm dreading it. My mental health declined over Christmas with not being in a routine and I'm dreading half term. I need to try and get out of the house as much as I can to help my mental health. I'll have to plan things to do with Jesse to keep me busy.
I think I'm going to hoover upstairs so I can keep busy. 
I'm sad today, I'm sad that my son is no longer here. I've accepted his death and my dad's death, now I've got to learn to live without them. I know it's going to take time and I just need the strength to get through each day. I'll continue to pray for strength. 


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