February 27th Thursday.

I'm having a shit day today. I've thought about killing myself and then I thought about Jesse waiting for me after school and me not being there to collect him. So I can't kill myself can I?

I keep thinking could I of done more to prevent my son from killing himself? I feel like I should of done more but what could I of done? Why didn't he message me or ring me? Why my son? I have so many unanswered questions and I'll never get an answer until I see him again.

I wish I could turn back the clock and save his life. I wish I could of saved my son.

I'm just having a bad day.

Jensen travels back from Colombia today, his holiday has gone so fast. I can't wait to see him.

I'm trying have a sleep on the settee but I can't switch my brain off. I just keep thinking about Jay-Dee. Life is hard work isn't it?

I've not long had bacon and cheese oatcakes. I'm obsessed with bacon at the moment.

I wake up in the morning and I can't wait go back bed. I hate being awake. My life is shit and I know it's because I'm grieving, I just hope my life starts to improve. 

I'll keep praying for strength. 

Why haven't I seen my son in my dreams yet? I go bed every night and pray I see him when I'm asleep but I don't and it breaks my heart. Sleep is my escape from the grief.

My diet went shit, I had McDonald's for tea last night. I give up. I just need to embrace my weight gain and live with it. Its my medication that makes me eat so much!! I was told I'd gain weight when I started on Olanzopine. I can't catch a break with life.

I know it's just a bad day and hopefully tomorrow will be better.