February 20th Thursday.

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It's done me so much good getting out of the house the past few days. Met up with my friends today at Just Kidding whilst the kids all played and had fun. I even talked about Jay-Dee and was able to smile. 
I'm so lucky to have such supportive friends around me. 
We talked about my sobriety and how amazing it is that even after the death of my son, I remain sober. It's not been an easy journey to be on, sobriety is hard work. I can feel myself getting stronger everyday. I've pushed myself this week to do things and I'm so glad I have.
The evenings are hard, around 5:30pm Jay-Dee would usually come walking in from work and I miss having his tea ready for him. I miss everything about him.
I miss his cheeky little smile he use to do, I miss washing his work clothes and having them ready on a Sunday night. I just miss my son so much.
They say when a child dies you begin another life. You had the life when your child was alive and then you have to start all over again when your child dies and this is so true. 
It's like I'm learning to do things for the first time because of my anxiety.
I had anxiety about meeting my friends today, it's ridiculous. I just have to keep forcing myself to do things or I'd be stuck in the house.
Wonder why I'm suffering with anxiety, I never have before until Jay-Dee passed away.
Jensen has been sending me pics of him and his gf in Colombia 🇨🇴 
He's literally living his best life and I couldn't be happier for him. We've been through such a terrible time, it's nice to see him smiling.
I think all of us are taking life day by day, well I know I am. Some days are harder than others which is why I'm pushing myself to do things to occupy my mind.
I hate being on my own, that's when I start to over think.
I've just made myself and Jasper bacon and egg sandwiches. Since I've started eating meat again I'm obsessed with bacon.
As of Monday I'm going on a strict diet. I've gained so much weight from my medication and Menopause. I'm going to try and calorie count and stick within 1400 calories a day. So we'll see how that goes..
I'm just watching a true story on Netflix called Apple Cider Vinegar about a girl who faked having brain cancer. Shit like that annoys me because I actually did have cancer and you have people that lie about it!
Anyway, I'm going finish watching it and I hope she gets found out to be lying.

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