February 15th Saturday.

It hit me again the other night, that I'm never going to see my son again. I've felt low the past couple of days. It's true what they say about grief, it really does come in waves. I still can't believe he's gone forever. 

My son Jensen flys out to Colombia today and I've got anxiety about him going. He's got 2 days of travelling alone. Doesn't matter how old they get they will always be my babies and I will always worry.

Because I've lost a child I think I worry even more, I can't lose another child. 

It's going to be a long 10 days without him here.

Changing the subject slightly, I've been binge watching Yellow Stone, if you haven't seen it you should definitely give it a go. I think it's brilliant. 

I've got my friend coming later for a few hours and that's about it for today. I've got no plans.

Jesse has broke up now for half term so I need to do things with him so we're not stuck in this house.

It's hard to motivate myself when I'm feeling low.

When is my life going to improve? I keep telling myself that God has a plan and I have to keep going but it's hard. Grief is heavy. Does that make sense to you? It's like it weighs heavy on my chest, I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. I'm filled with worry, anxiety and sadness. I wonder if I'll ever feel happiness again. Losing my dad was hard but I got to be with him when he passed away, I never got to say goodbye to my son and it hurts. What I'd give to see them both again. I'd love to be able to just die just so I can see them both, but I know it would destroy my kids. So I fight another day. 

You know, if I didn't have my other kids I wouldn't even bother getting out of bed. Everything I do is for my children. 

My heart sinks every time I walk into Jesse's bedroom because it was Jay-Dees room. Everything is still the same as it was when Jay-Dee was here. I need to paint it but I can't bring myself to do it. I guess in time it will get easier, well I'm hoping so anyway. I'm filled with sadness today.