Cancer, Depression and Me.

Today has been a good day. I met my sister this morning and treated myself to an eye brow wax and tint. I can't remember the last time I did anything for myself, so it was nice. We went shopping and had coffee. It was a really nice morning. Then my brother came to visit. He visits every Friday. I was able to make conversations today. I feel alot better. It's a shame it won't last but at least I've finally had a better day. I've had a bath and got in my new pj's I treated myself to.  I spoke about Jay-Dee in conversation earlier and I didn't cry, I smiled talking about him. Today I am thankful to be alive. Never thought I'd say a comment like that. I've started telling myself that although my dad and my son are gone I have no choice but to fight for my life. My children need me. I do believe in the afterlife and I know my dad and son are still with me.  Its hard you know, grief is hard work. It's tiring, my soul is tired and I still wonder how I m...

Right up until the last minute I thought about cancelling my driving lesson, but I didn't. I actually did it. My first 2 hour driving lesson. Driving is harder than I thought it would be. I stalled so many times but I kept at it. Getting the bite and putting your foot on the gas and changing the gears made my head fall off. I have to tell myself that it's my first lesson and it'll get easier. It will get easier won't it? Well let's hope so. I'm so proud of myself just lately, I'm really pushing myself out of my comfort zone. From going out at the weekend to driving myself home today, I really am trying my bloody best to get better mentally. I'm taking it day by day and I'm getting there, slowly. You know, I'm not feeling to bad today, my mind has been occupied and it does me good. I really hope I stick to these driving lessons because I think it will do me the world of good. Its not cheap though, I know that much is true. Still can't believe ...

I went out Saturday, only for a couple of hours. The food was lovely and I enjoyed being out of the house. Yesterday I went to see my friend so it hasn't been a bad weekend.  I don't know why but I hate been stuck in the house. My mind goes on overdrive when I'm sat on my own. I guess that's normal under the circumstances.  Wednesday is fast approaching and I'm so nervous. I'm nervous but can't wait to learn how to drive. It will do me the world of good I know this. I've started eating meat again after being a vegetarian for 3 years. How strange how the body changes. I was craving bacon so I ate bacon, and I'm so glad I did. Bacon is delicious. Bacon and cheese oatcakes I've just eaten. How did I go 3 years not eating meat? I've not long got back from the cafe. I go every morning and have a cup of tea and a chat with my friends. I'm not feeling to bad today mentally speaking.  I was thinking this morning, how are my dad and son dead? It j...

Functional depression. I'm sure that's what I have ontop of grief. I function but I am so depressed. I cook for my kids, I do the dishes and the washing, ill hoover up. I do the school run, and the whole time I am depressed. I wouldn't be bothered if I died in my sleep. Still unsure how I'm making it through each day.. My friends check in on me daily and I feel so blessed to have them in my life. I'm going out tonight, I can't remember the last time I went out in the evening. I've got anxiety and it's driving me mad. I don't know what's wrong with me anymore. I use to be out all the time, socialising, but death and cancer has destroyed me inside. I'm going to go out tonight regardless, I need to do it. I have to push myself to do things. I feel lifeless most days. Zero energy.  It's only 12:20 and I already can't wait climb back in bed.  Grief has stripped away the person I use to be. I don't know who I am anymore and it's sad...

Not done alot the past few days, been to an appointment this morning at the sutherland center and ended up crying talking about my dad and son. How is it possible that my father and son are dead? I swear this is a nightmare I can't wake up from.  I don't think I'll ever be well mentally after the trauma I've been through. My life has completely changed and I don't know how to deal with it. My brain can't comprehend  what's happened in such a short space of time. The woman who I saw this morning asked if there was any cancer in the family, I then had to tell her I'd had cancer already. I honestly don't know how I've not started drinking alcohol again. How in God's name am I still 3 years sober?!?  A friend of mine is 9 years sober. I asked him this morning if he still has days where he wants alcohol, because I have them days, and he reassured me that he still has them too. So that made me feel better. Anyway my friend also has driving lessons ...

Yesterday was a hard day that seemed to last forever. The day was so long. I've been the cafe this morning and I tried to involve myself in the conversation as much as I could. I have to push myself to talk. I have nothing to say anymore. It's so sad. Grief is horrible. I just keep thinking to myself that in a couple of years I'll be better won't I? My mental health is shockingly poor. I've just got no interest in being alive and that's so sad. I keep thinking I need a job to get me out of this house and then I remember how bad my anxiety is some days. It's a task some days to leave the house so how the fuck am I meant to go to work. I'm so depressed it's unreal. Here I am again blogging about how shit my life is. I hate been stuck in this house, it drives me insane. I have to remind myself that I'm not alone in the way I feel.  I can imagine there's alot of people that feel the way I do. Doesn't make it any easier though. My days consist...

I've not blogged for a few days as I had nothing to write about. All I ever do is blog about how depressed I am. I've had a better week, my friends have been a couple of times to see me. My brother came yesterday for a few hours. It's done me good seeing people. I go the cafe every morning to see my other friends. Its not been to bad mentally speaking. The weekends are always hard because I don't leave the house much. Anxiety with depression is horrible.  I've been take the dog for a walk so Jesse could go out on his scooter. He went Damians last night in the hot tub with Mabel. I'll be honest, I don't know how I'm getting through each day, but I am and that's the main thing I guess. I pray alot for strength and I've got some really good friends that support me. I've never got much to talk about anymore, I've got no interest in life, its pretty sad. I honestly wish I'd just die in my sleep. I was walking Asda the other day and a lorry...

I've felt like shit the past few days, I reached out to my friends and they came to visit me last night. I'm so lucky to have supportive friends.  Didn't take Jesse school yesterday, couldn't bring myself to get out of bed,  but I've taken him today and been the cafe to see my other friends.  I've been Asda to get the ingredients to make a lasagne for tea with fresh carrots.  I'm feeling pretty shitty if I'm honest.  I've got nothing in me, I feel drained all the time.  I'm just having a cup of tea then I plan on going back sleep. I'm so depressed.  It kills me getting out of bed in the morning, I'm just constantly tired, which I'm putting down to the depression.  I don't know what more I can do to make myself feel better. I'm seeing my friends as much as I can but I'm still depressed.  I'm grieving. Life is hard work isn't it? Grief is so hard to deal with. I miss my son more than anything. Jensen isn't moving...

It's been 32 weeks without my child and its not getting any easier. My heart aches for my son. I've not felt to bad the past few days, my mate came yesterday and we had a good chat and lots of cups of tea. I seem to be addicted to tea. I mean there's worse things I could be addicted to so it's ok. I hate Sundays, I hate that I've not seen my son for 32 weeks. I'm not sure how I've gotten through the last 32 weeks but I have and that's the main thing I guess. Just got to take things day by day. I'm determined to get better mentally. I'm pushing myself to do more regardless of my anxiety. You know what scares me? The dark days I have where I'm suicidal. I'm scared that one day they'll be too much and I'll end up killing myself. It's hard to think about the better days when I'm having a dark day. The darkness consumes me. It's easy for people to say, think about the better days, when I'm consumed with darkness it'...

Today I turn 41. If I'm honest, I'm shocked I'm still alive. I honestly didn't think I'd see my 41st birthday, but here I am fighting for my life. This day last year I went out for a meal with my 4 boys and this year I only have 3 of my children with me. It's a sad day. I've had presents and cards and I'm very grateful.  The past couple of days I've felt a bit better mentally. Thank God. On them dark days where I'm suicidal, I have to fight through them and I need to remember that I do have better days, but on them dark days it's so hard to even think about better days. The mind doesn't work like that. My mind tells me to kill myself on them dark days.  I've got no plans for today. I've been the cafe with my friends which does me the world of good. They're so supportive. They know how much I'm struggling.  My brother is coming after he's finished work so I won't be on my own today. Anyway, happy birthday to me.

Yesterday was an extremely difficult day for me. I didn't think I'd make it to today, so I rang the crisis team last night because I needed to talk to someone. I lay in the bath and all I could think about was self harming, but I didn't do it. Thank god. I had alot of people praying for me yesterday and I'm so thankful. I did the school run this morning and went straight back bed and spent the day there until it was time to pick Jesse up. I can't believe how unwell I am mentally. My dad's death destroyed me, but having a child pass away is by far the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I've got some friends coming soon for a cup of tea and a chat which will do me good. I'm so glad I reached out last night for help because I'm not sure if still be here today if I hadn't of. The crisis team at the sutherland center have rang me today to see if I'm ok and honestly, I feel a bit better than I did yesterday.  I'm literally living hour by...

I had a panic attack last night, in my own house. I was panicking about doing the school run this morning. I honestly don't know what's wrong with me anymore. I'm really struggling with life. I've taken Jesse school, filled with anxiety. I went to see my friends in the cafe and the whole time I sat there I was anxious. I didn't have alot to say to them and I cried.  I don't think I can do life anymore. I just can't do it. Everyday is a battle. It's killing me off slowly. I'm not doing well.  I had to take my dog out for a walk last night so I could breathe. I felt suffocated in the house. I'm anxious now as I type this. I've gone off food, it started about 6 weeks ago and now I'm a stone and half down in weight, which is a good thing but it's not good that I'm barely eating anything. I just want to feel better. 

My brother came to visit yesterday but he only stayed an hour or so. He'd had a drink before he came and it made me feel uncomfortable which I think he knew. Don't know why but I can't be around people who are drinking. . Sunday today and I've been Manchester with my boys. It's been good to get out of the house, I hate being in the house and I don't know why. I felt myself having a small panic attack whilst we were out today, I don't know what's wrong with me. Is anxiety part of grief?  I don't know how I'm ever going to get better mentally. I'm having anxiety attacks about starting driving lessons. What is wrong with me?!? Back to the school run tomorrow,  I'm dreading been by myself when the kids aren't here. The routine will be good for me but in-between the school run I'm going to be sat on my own, and that's not good. My ex Zoe has invited me this week for food and I'm not sure what to do. My anxiety is killing me off...

So I've been to the cinema to watch the new Lion King Mufasa. It was on for what felt like forever, 2 hours is a long time but I enjoyed the film. I went with Jesse, my sister and her 3 kids. We then walked into town where I got Jesse a new hair cut and brought some essentials. I was stood in the bakery and a man started a conversation with Jesse and gave him a sweet. He said is it just the 1 you have and I said no, I have 4 boys. My heart sank, I wanted to tell him how 1 of my boys lives in heaven but I just kept it to myself. I will always be a mum to 4 boys even though 1 of my sons lives in heaven. Anyway, im back home now doing some washing. It's been a nice day. I'm trying my best to get out of the house more. I meed to keep busy to keep my mind occupied. When I'm sat on my own I just sit thinking of Jay-Dee. Oh how I wish things were different but they're not, and I need to come to terms with the fact I'll never see Jay-Dee again until I die. I'll be h...

Well let me start by saying Happy New Year. I'm not feeling to bad. The past couple of days have been ok. I'm taking Jesse the park today to play on his new scooter. Was a good idea the other day but its freezing today. Anyway, I've got take him, I promised him. Can't believe how hard the Christmas holidays have been for me mentally. Its been a battle. I'm meeting my sister tomorrow so that's another day of something to do. Makes life alot easier when I have things to do. It takes my mind off all the trauma.  My friend told me sign up to Facebook dating but if I'm honest, I don't think I'm mentally well enough to meet anyone new. It's so cold today, I'm sat drinking my cup of tea and I'm freezing. I'm praying that 2025 will be a better year. I can't do another year like 2024, I'm not strong enough mentally. It won't be long before I'm back to doing the school run. I'm going to rejoin the gym again too. I just need ...