January 21st Friday.

Today has been a good day. I met my sister this morning and treated myself to an eye brow wax and tint. I can't remember the last time I did anything for myself, so it was nice. We went shopping and had coffee. It was a really nice morning. Then my brother came to visit. He visits every Friday. I was able to make conversations today. I feel alot better. It's a shame it won't last but at least I've finally had a better day. I've had a bath and got in my new pj's I treated myself to. 

I spoke about Jay-Dee in conversation earlier and I didn't cry, I smiled talking about him. Today I am thankful to be alive. Never thought I'd say a comment like that.

I've started telling myself that although my dad and my son are gone I have no choice but to fight for my life. My children need me.

I do believe in the afterlife and I know my dad and son are still with me. 

Its hard you know, grief is hard work. It's tiring, my soul is tired and I still wonder how I make it through each day.

I'm doing this thing called life without even realising. I'm surviving each day but I want to be thriving. I want to enjoy being alive because most days I wish I was dead. Then you have a good day like today and think to yourself, "thank god I didn't kill myself on my bad days". Mental health and grief will be the death of me, I know it.

But today, today I am grateful for being able to smile.