January 25th Saturday.

Functional depression. I'm sure that's what I have ontop of grief. I function but I am so depressed. I cook for my kids, I do the dishes and the washing, ill hoover up. I do the school run, and the whole time I am depressed. I wouldn't be bothered if I died in my sleep.

Still unsure how I'm making it through each day..

My friends check in on me daily and I feel so blessed to have them in my life.

I'm going out tonight, I can't remember the last time I went out in the evening. I've got anxiety and it's driving me mad. I don't know what's wrong with me anymore. I use to be out all the time, socialising, but death and cancer has destroyed me inside. I'm going to go out tonight regardless, I need to do it. I have to push myself to do things.

I feel lifeless most days. Zero energy. 

It's only 12:20 and I already can't wait climb back in bed. 

Grief has stripped away the person I use to be. I don't know who I am anymore and it's sad.

I start my driving lessons Wednesday and I am so nervous about doing it. I could scream out loud because of how broken I am. 

I have EUPD which explains alot about how I am mentally. The death of my father and son has really affected me. It's changed who I am as a person. I see things differently. 

Why can't I deal with death, when I'm not afraid to die? 

It hits me everyday that I'll never see my dad and son again, and everyday I die inside all over again. Everyday is an absolute task to get through.

I'm clearly made of strong stuff because I just refuse to quit. I just keep pushing through. Some days I don't think I'll make it, but I do and for that I'm grateful. 

The power of prayer is amazing. I pray alot for strength to get through everyday, and I'm still here fighting for my life.

So anyway, I've had a bath and washed my hair ready for tonight. I'm going to go out for a curry and I'm going to enjoy it.