January 12th 32 weeks.

It's been 32 weeks without my child and its not getting any easier. My heart aches for my son.

I've not felt to bad the past few days, my mate came yesterday and we had a good chat and lots of cups of tea.

I seem to be addicted to tea. I mean there's worse things I could be addicted to so it's ok.

I hate Sundays, I hate that I've not seen my son for 32 weeks.

I'm not sure how I've gotten through the last 32 weeks but I have and that's the main thing I guess. Just got to take things day by day.

I'm determined to get better mentally.

I'm pushing myself to do more regardless of my anxiety.

You know what scares me? The dark days I have where I'm suicidal. I'm scared that one day they'll be too much and I'll end up killing myself. It's hard to think about the better days when I'm having a dark day. The darkness consumes me. It's easy for people to say, think about the better days, when I'm consumed with darkness it's hard to see a way out. 

I pray everyday for strength to get through each day and by the power of prayer, it seems to be working because I'm still here.

Friends tell me how strong I am but I honestly don't feel strong at all. 

The only reason I get through each day is because my kids need me here with them.

I think about Jesse waiting for me to collect him after school and how it would destroy his little life if I killed myself. Jensen and Jasper wouldn't cope if I killed myself, they've told me it would kill them. They are the reason I keep going.

But anyway, today I feel ok.