January 22nd Wednesday.

Not done alot the past few days, been to an appointment this morning at the sutherland center and ended up crying talking about my dad and son.

How is it possible that my father and son are dead? I swear this is a nightmare I can't wake up from. 

I don't think I'll ever be well mentally after the trauma I've been through. My life has completely changed and I don't know how to deal with it. My brain can't comprehend  what's happened in such a short space of time. The woman who I saw this morning asked if there was any cancer in the family, I then had to tell her I'd had cancer already. I honestly don't know how I've not started drinking alcohol again. How in God's name am I still 3 years sober?!? 

A friend of mine is 9 years sober. I asked him this morning if he still has days where he wants alcohol, because I have them days, and he reassured me that he still has them too. So that made me feel better.

Anyway my friend also has driving lessons and a few days ago I asked him for the details, because if I was driving I'd be able to do so much more. Anyway I've had his details a few days and tonight I made the move to start having lessons, starting next Wednesday. Took me alot but I messaged him and I'm finally going to learn how to drive. I'm 41 now, it can be my goal for this year.

I'm mega nervous but I'm going to push myself to do it. Driving would improve my quality of life and make me more independent. 

I'm doing the best I can to try and help my mental health.

Oh yeah, I'm going out Saturday with 2 of my friends for a curry. Once again I'm nervous, anxiety is a bitch, but I'm going, I'll force myself to go.

You know what, I've got some really supportive friends around me and I'm so grateful.