Cancer, Depression and Me.

I was just sat thinking about when I told my dad, whilst he was battling cancer, that the funeral home wouldnt collect his body when he dies unless i had £1500 upfront and when my dad passed away, I found £1500 in money bags that he had sorted out for me. Breaks my heart. He had 2 lots of life insurance I had to sort out after id registered his death and then I had to plan his funeral. I remember everything from him dying to me sorting all of his bungalow out and his finances.  When my son died, luckily I had Damian to help with everything. Planning 2 funerals will stay with me forever. Its just heartbreaking.  I relive these things everyday, i guess thats the PTSD.. I could cry today, im so sad. I just want my dad and son back and I know its not possible. It kills me inside.  I was a daddy's girl through and through, I did everything with my dad. I saw him every single day. He was my drinking partner. One of the reasons I gave up alcohol after my dad passed away, drinkin...

Jensens 23rd birthday today, im trying to be happy for him, but my heart is aching. It aches for my father and son who are no longer here with me. Im so sad inside.  Jensens had £200 off myself and his dad, so hes not done too bad. I got him a little gift, its a glass jigsaw piece with a little verse on about how much I love having him as my son.  I love my boys so much, life is cruel taking one of them away from me. Two more days and ill be back to the school run, looking forward to getting back into a routine, but ive got anxiety about going. God knows why. Jesse's last year in primary school. Im dreading him going high school next year. Hes my baby, my last baby. Also, how long does the menopause last? Its been 5 years now and im still having hot sweats and really bad memory loss.. We've had chicken and stuffing buttered baps for tea, was so nice.  Now im sat thinking about how much I miss my dad and son. My dad would of made everything better for me, I use to tell my ...

I go to bed at night hoping that ill see my dad and my son in my sleep. I very rarely do and it breaks my heart. I hate being awake and having to participate in life, but i do for my kids. I keep living for them. If only they knew they were the only reason I keep going.  Ive realised that everything ive been through has broken me, but im a stronger person, if that makes sense. Ive got to be made of strong stuff to keep going. There are times when I just want to give up, but I push through. Them suicidal thoughts are no joke, they can be so overwhelming, but I fight through them for my boys. The ONLY reason i keep going is for my children or id of been dead years ago.

Got up early today because my brother took me get my medication and then he took me Asda to get a birthday cake and cards for Jensen, he'll be 23 on Sunday. Back home and back in my pjs. Ive got such a good brother, he does alot for me. Feel a bit better today, dont know if its because ive left the house or im just having a better day, but ill take it. Im still sad, but not as sad as yesterday if that makes sense. Still sat thinking about my dad and son. I think it will be this way until I die. Im always going to feel sad. Jay-Dees birthday next month, not looking forward to it, but ill buy him a cake and we'll celebrate his birthday like we always do. It'll be 6 years for my dad in November. Dont know honestly how ive survived the last 6 years. Im heartbroken. I miss my dad and son more than anything in the world. Got to keep living for my other children. That's what I tell myself when I have suicidal thoughts. I still find it hard to believe that my son took his own l...

Well ive woken up feeling so deflated. I fucking hate depression. Im just sat feeling so low. I just miss my dad and son so much. Its 11.50am ive been up about an hour and I could just go back sleep. Ive already had enough of today. God im so tired and drained. Its raining and I need go the shops. I still haven't collected my medication. Everything feels overwhelming. I just need to breathe.  I wish my son could of come to me and told me how he was feeling. Saying that, I only tell my blog how im feeling so I guess I can understand. I wish I could of saved him. I wish I could of saved my dad, why didn't I ask about clinical trials? I just wish id of done more. Why didn't I wake through the night to message Jay-Dee? Why didn't my body wake me up, where were my mother's instincts? I just hate that they're both dead. I hate having PTSD because I just keep reliving everything, every day. I hate having EUPD because I just can't keep up with the changes in my mood...

Finally come out of my depressive state i was in, still not feeling fantastic, but i feel better. Ive had a long phone call with one of my friends, ive been out to cut my hedges with Jesse. Ive actually styled my hair today. Im feeling so much better. Thank God.  Jasper hasn't gone for his first day at work, think his nerves took over. I feel for him, its a big change going to work for the first time. Not sure what hes going to do now. He could do with a job doing nights because hes up all night and sleeps all day. Ive just started watching a new series on Netflix called Death Of The Pastors Wife and thats my day today.  Jesse's on his ps5 and Jensen is asleep. Its 2.40pm. Absolutely killed me getting up at 8am today to wake Jasper up so god help me next week when its back to school and my alarm will be set for 7am. Can't wait get back to a routine though. Thank god my mental health has improved, I literally thought i was going to kill myself this past week. Mental health i...

Finally showered and washed my hair. Forced myself to do it today. Feeling a bit better today. Taken my dog for a little walk, a bit of fresh air did me good. Its 9.05pm and im sat here thinking about when the police officer told me my son was dead. Still doesnt seem real. Keep hoping to wake up from this nightmare im living. Why my son? Ill never understand. Why my dad? I question my faith some times because, why did God let this happen? Keep telling myself hes got a plan for me, but im tired of waiting for something good to come from all this. Why did I have cancer and survive when it killed my father? So many whys.  Anyway, got be up at 8am tomorrow to wake Jasper up. Its his first day at work tomorrow. Ive told him, if he doesnt like it, come home. Life's too short to stay in a shitty job. Hes nervous and im nervous for him. Hes only 18, hes still my baby. Jensen is 23 on Sunday and then him and Jay-Dee are always the same age for 30 days until Jay-Dee turns 24 the end of next ...