Cancer, Depression and Me.

Jay-Dees favourite movie was Everything Everywhere All At Once. He said it changed his outlook on life. Its a weird film, I've watched it twice and it really opens up your mind. He brought himself the canvas of the movie and its still hung where he hung it in his room. Ive painted the room for Jesse to have and still hung his canvas back up. It will stay there forever. Jesse still calls it Jay-Dees room, bless him. Ive left the house today, I've been Asda with Jesse. Came back home and got into clean pjs. Jasper is sleeping tonight, he started sleeping on a Thursday now so he can game with his mates Saturday night. I dont mind what night he sleeps, so its all good. Thinking about Jay-Dee alot today, I think of him everyday but today its heavy. I still dont understand why he took his own life and I guess I'll never know until I see him again. My heart aches for my dad and my son. I got to hold my dad as he took his last breath. I never got to say goodbye to my son. I picture...

Finished painting Jesse's room today, i say finished, I've got the cutting in to do. Other than that im done. Going try get the cutting in done tomorrow.  Its been a shit day today, been stuck in all day. I hate it. I feel trapped in my own mind when im stuck in doing nothing. My mind goes on overdrive, I sit thinking about my son and dad. I prefer it when im doing something to calm the mind. Jasper's here now so its not too bad. I'm going force myself to get dressed tomorrow, I need to go Asda and do some shopping. Ive had an Iceland food shop delivered, so my freezer is full. I need some fresh foods. I also need a vape so definitely leaving the house tomorrow,  even if it is just for the shops. Its 4:25pm now and i already can't wait go bed. Ive not thought about suicide today Amen. Half way through week 2 of the holidays, it seems to be dragging. Ive got to buy Jesse's uniform this week so its here on time. My sister was telling me what she's got to buy f...

Been out for a carvery tonight with Jasper and Jesse-John. It was nice, did me good to get out of the house. I'm ok leaving the house with someone, its leaving the house alone that's the problem. Anyway, like I say, it did me good and the food was lovely. On the way home my mind wondered off to the thought of me slitting my wrists. I sat and thought about how I've not self harmed for over a year and my mind fantasised about slicing my wrists. There's something seriously wrong with me. Suicidal ideation is horrible to have. I thought I was doing ok, but im clearly not. Ive not sliced my wrists so that's good. The wanting to die outweighs the wanting to stay alive, yet here I am still alive. I'm not here through choice, because if I was given the choice, I'd choose death. I'm here for my children. I want to see them grow up then I can happily die. I'm such a morbid person, I always have been. Ive never been scared to die, think its the depression if im...

Had to wake up early today, my alarm was set for 8:30am so its alot earlier than I've been waking up. Anyway, the reason why is because Jesse was going swimming at half 9 with Damian. I waited for them to go and thought I'd go back bed, but then I couldn't fall asleep so I got dressed and went see my friend. I stayed with her for a few hours and we both went and visited one of our other friends so its been a good morning. Ive just done an online food shop which will be here soon and other than that, that's how my morning has been. I pulled the right side of my back a few weeks ago and its not been right since. You can tell im 41 now, bloody back ache! Jasper slept last night so he's here with me now. Even though he doesnt live with me, I still see him everyday. I love it. I love having my children around me. I miss Jay-Dee so much, I just miss his smile and his face. I do hope that Jay-Dee and my dad are together. I pray they are. I miss them both so much. Its hard ...

I'm not doing anything today, i feel rubbish. Didn't get out of bed till 11am and even then I didn't want to get up. I feel drained. I'm going force myself to shower soon and wash my hair. Grief is heavy today. I need to do something to occupy my mind. Being stuck in the house makes me feel worse than I already do. My friend wants me go hers but I just dont feel upto socialising. I could easily go back sleep. I hate being awake. I know its the depression. I hate suffering with depression and having anxiety too makes it even worse. Hopefully I'll feel better after my shower. I hate the way I feel. I can't keep living like this. Everyday is a battle to get through. I'm so fed up of living. I keep thinking about my life and how repetitive it is, I do the school run, I see my friends, I go the shops. That's it, I go out now and again. Why can't I just be happy with that? Why do I constantly feel this way? What can I do to improve my life? How do you carr...

I didn't get out of bed today until 11am and even then I didn't want to get up. I hate having to face another day being alive. Honestly my kids are the only reason I get out of bed, if I didn't have them I'd just rot in bed and wait to die. Ive done nothing today, had to get dressed because 2 of my friends came for a few hours, but that's about it. Take away night on a Saturday, not sure what im having yet. I'm thinking chicken tikka curry with a nan bread. Started watching something called Under The Bridge on itvx and its based on true events, its good. I'm on episode 3 now. I love anything that's a true story. I watch alot of documentaries on murders and unsolved crimes. I love anything like that. I feel like shit today, just feel a bit down. Probably because I've not left the house again. I'm tired and its only quarter past 4 in the afternoon. Maybe I've had too much sleep. To be fair I was still awake past 12 last night, took me ages fall...

Had my brother here today for a few hours after he finished work, so that broke my day up. Nearly at the end of week one of the holidays. The past week has gone fast. Ive done some washing and pegged it out whilst the weather is nice, had myself a shower and got back into clean pjs. Every day I wake, I look forward to going back bed. I think its the depression. I spoke to my dad and son earlier whilst I was sat on the step thinking about life. I asked them to send me a sign that they're with me. I was sat thinking about life and how im not doing anything with my life. I purely exist for my kids. Its sad isn't it? I dont know what my purpose is, I know i was meant to be a mum, but what else? I have to tell myself its God's timing not mine. Everything will fall into place. I just have to trust that God will deliver. I just want to feel happiness, im not asking for alot, just happiness. I doubt I will ever be truly happy, now that my dad and son are gone, but I just want to be...