Cancer, Depression and Me.

Jesse had Monday and Tuesday off school, but ive taken him in today. Its so hard to find the motivation to take him. Im always tired. It takes all ive got to not kill myself, so school isn't top of my priorities. It should be, but its not. Some days it takes all ive got in me to get out of bed. Am I in denial about my father and sons death? Is that what's wrong with me? Because im trying to work out how to help myself mentally, but i dont know what's wrong with me. I know they're dead and they're not coming back, but i just can't come to terms with it all. Ive never looked until last night at the multistory car park my son fell from. The 17th floor he fell from. Knocked me sick, felt like id been punched in the stomach. Im so sad inside.  I honestly dont know how you come back from all the tragedy ive been through.  Ive been writing this blog for over 5 years, and ive been depressed much longer than that. I started blogging when I had cancer in the hopes my blog...

My dad and son died knowing i loved them, so why can't I just come to terms with their deaths. Its killing me inside. I think about them both all throughout the day. Im not even exaggerating, they are on my mind all the time. Grief eats away at me when im awake, probably why I like being asleep. Its an escape from my own mind. I hate that i have no choice but to live this life ive got, when all I really want to do is die. Im so fucking depressed. All the medication im on and im still depressed.  Anyway, something less depressing, ive made a homemade lasagne for tea which is currently slow cooking ready for later. We're having tender stem broccoli and green beans and garlic bread with it.  Doesn't matter how depressed I might be, my kids will still eat.

Week 2 at school and i didn't take Jesse. Woke up at 7am with dead bad anxiety, so I got back in bed and went back sleep. Feel like shit today. Really low mood. Ive just scrubbed my bathroom because it was disgusting. My back is in bits now from leaning over the bath to clean it. Im taking Jesse tomorrow because im going my mums to get my hair done. I hate hair day when I have to have my roots done. Hate doing anything with my hair. I keep thinking of going a barbers and getting it all cut off. I just hate it.  Feel like shit today, could of slept the day away, but i have to get up and feed everyone including my pets. Do you ever get fed up of doing everything? The cleaning, the washing, cooking, paying the bills, im just fed up of being an adult. You know what id love be able do, a solo holiday. Just a break away on my own for a few days. I never would because of my anxiety, but I wish I could do it. A break from life. I need to book another holiday for next year, something to loo...

Had a child free Jesse night last night, he stayed Damians and they all went swimming this morning. I went my brothers yesterday for a few hours to break my day up. Got all my bedding washed and dried. Absolute bliss getting into fresh bedding last night. Think I was asleep for 10pm. Had a lovely lie in, ordered myself Jensen and Jasper breakfast and had a chilled day watching movies. Back to the school run tomorrow, the weekends go by so fast. Mentally, im ok. I mean, we all know im far from ok, but I just say im ok because its easier than explaining why im not. Jesse got home a few hours ago, hes had a brill time at swimming and then playing football with Damian. He loves his time with Ted as Jesse calls him. He calls him Ted because Damian has a dog called Ted and ever since Jesse could talk hes always called Damian Ted haha we all call him Ted now, its funny. Jesse knows his name is Damian, but we call him Ted. Anyway, we're getting a takeaway for tea and then I want to buy hea...

I walked Asda this morning with a friend ive not seen in a while, he beat cancer which is amazing, and then he mentioned my cancer and how well I was doing considering ive lost my dad and son too. It just made me sad that people just think of the bad shit ive been through.  I use to be happier before all the trauma.  Im broken now, im just sat thinking about how depressed I am. When I think of everything ive been through, I stop and think how the hell am I still standing.. Im on alot of medication which keeps me afloat and I also get strength from my boys. My reasons to keep going. Its crazy to think i had cancer 5 years ago, 6 months after my dad died of cancer and I was forced into early menopause because of the surgery I had. Ever likely my heads fucked! Menopause, depression, grief, im really struggling with everything.  Wishing I was dead everyday, but refusing to kill myself, just hoping I naturally pass away. Its horrible. I hate my own brain. I should be thankful ...

Feel so overwhelmed with grief today, my heart is aching.  I was walking back from the school this morning talking to another mum, and she said shes got 4 girls, I said ive got 4 boys. She said how old is your eldest, I said hes 23. Didn't say he was dead, I just talked like he was still alive and then it hit me that ive not accepted his death. I speak about Jay-Dee like hes just at work and he'll be home tonight. Its just heartbreaking.  Technically he is 23, but he'll forever be 21. He'll be turning 24 the end of this month and next June will be 3 years since he died. Honestly dont know how im still standing. Im so tired, I dont mean sleepy, I mean drained. My soul is tired of fighting grief. Ive been grieving for years and its not getting any better.  It'll be 6 years in November since my dad passed away. I started grieving when my dad told me he had terminal cancer 19 months before he died. I remember when he told me, I felt like id been punched in my stomach. I...

I think about killing myself alot, but the pain i feel from losing my father and son, I could never pass that pain on to my children, my family or my friends. So as much as I think about it, I always think about them and what it would do to them.  As much as I long to see my dad and son again, I know ive got to wait until its my time to go. Im in a constant state of before and after, life and death. I had to start a new life after their deaths, a new life without them and as much as I want to die, I also want to live for my children.  Im living a real life nightmare. Its horrible and cruel.. Waking up this morning and getting Jesse ready for his first day in his last year of primary school and it hit me that if I killed myself, who would help him button up his shirt? Who would walk him to school? I kissed and hugged him before he went in and I said I love you so much, have the best first day. Its things like this that keep me going. So as much as id love to end it all, I have ...