Cancer, Depression and Me.

Been up since 8am, Jesse went the cinema at quarter past 9 with Damian and Mabel. Hes still out now. Hes living his best life. If it wasn't for Damian and Louise, Jesse would only have me. Damian takes him out all the time. He treats him like he treats his own and for that im forever grateful. Jesse thinks Damian is his father and that's ok with me. I love the bond they have. Jasper slept last night and has not long gone home. Ive hoovered and polished my living room and ive sat down and the first thing ive thought about was, why did my son kill himself? I just can't get it out of my head. It doesnt seem real that my son is dead. I hate my own head. I'm sick of over thinking about everything. Polishing my sons urn kills me inside. I shouldn't be polishing a wooden box, he should still be here with me. I hate myself for not waking up through the night to message him, the morning he died. 5.30am my son stepped off the 17th floor of a multistory car park. I could screa...

So i did as I said I would yesterday, i got up, got dressed & Jesse and we went Asda for goodies. I always let him pick his own snacks, he carries his own basket. He melts my heart. How could I even consider suicide when I have my children to live for. I hate how mentally ill i am. I fight suicidal thoughts daily, wishing I was dead, but also, grateful im alive. My head is fucked. I feel like ive got one foot in the future and one foot stuck in grief. Stuck thinking about the past, when my father and son were alive. Its like im living 2 lives. One minute I can be fine and the next I want to die. Its fucking torture. My own head is torture. I'm sick of blogging about how mentally unwell I am. I want to write a happier blog. I want a full day where I feel ok. I'm not asking for much, just better mental health. They say try and count how many things you're grateful for and its just my kids. I'm grateful for my kids that's it. I'm grateful I woke up again to see...

Just sat reliving the morning i had a knock on the door off the police. Never in a million years would i have guessed what that police officer was going to say. That my son was dead! I remember shaking as I rang Damian and had to tell him his son was dead. He was at my house within minutes. Nothing can ever prepare you for child loss. With my dad we had 19 months of watching him die. I dont know what's worse, sudden death or a prolonged death. My head is well and truly fucked. I'm sick of feeling this way. Its everyday. Apparently, its PTSD. I relive my dad's final hours. I hate my brain. For someone that's not afraid to die, I certainly can't handle death. I wish I could go back, I wish I could of saved them. I need to get out of this house tomorrow, even if its just to nip the shop because I feel like im going insane some times. I'm trapped in my own head. The medication isn't making things better, they're just keeping my head above water. Doesn't ...

Ive been to see a couple of my friends for a few hours today, she cooked us all sausage and egg sandwiches. It was good to have a catch up, but the whole time I was there I was thinking of my dad and son. I'm sat here now writing this blog feeling absolutely devastated. I miss my dad and son so much, it really hurts. Honestly, im heartbroken. Tried to engage in conversation, its so hard to try and be happy. Life shouldn't be hard work, but it is. Living is a nightmare I just can't seem to wake up from. I wish it was all a bad dream that ill wake up from any second. Living is hell. Hell on earth. I know my dad and son are in a better place, I just wish I was too.  Told my mate earlier that ive been single over a year, but if im honest, it could be longer. I have no recollection of the relationship ending or when it did end. I feel like ive blocked years of my life out. I dissociate so much its scary. It got me thinking of how long ive been single. When will I be ready to mee...

Another day of hanging on by a thread. No, to be fair it hasn't been to bad. Ive been to my sisters and myself, Sarah, Jesse and Athena have calved pumpkins. Athena painted my toe nails, shes only 5 so you can imagine how they must look, and we watched a movie. Then I get home and Jasper is breaking his heart because of Jay-Dee. Then it hit me all over again that my son is dead. My heart sank for Jasper because I know how it feels. I know the pain they're feeling inside. I wish I could make it all better for them, but im dead inside. I died the day my father passed away,  then I died all over again when my son died. Rock bottom has a basement. I dont see a light at the end of the tunnel, I dont see a future with me in it. Sad isn't it? But true. I told Jasper to stay strong. Good advice from someone who's falling apart. The only reason I am so strong is because of my children. They give me the strength to live everyday. Jasper is ok now, by the way. Makes me sad inside ...

People keep telling me what an inspiration i am after doing my testimony yesterday. The reason I did my testimony is in the hope that it will help someone else. I'm just a normal girl that's been through 3 traumatic events and im currently fighting for my life everyday. I dont feel like an inspiration, I feel broken and damaged. Yesterday at church it was a day for people who are battling addiction or those like myself that are in recovery. It was called Broken To Blessed and if I can remain sober after everything ive been through, then so can someone else that wants to get sober or someone who is in recovery like me. I hoped my testimony would help someone else on their journey of sobriety. Its still hard you know, some days i crave alcohol and that's when I say a prayer for strength. I still can't believe i stood on a stage yesterday in front of 50 odd people and read out my testimony. Where did my strength come from? Prayer that's where. I'll be honest, as I ...

I was up this morning ready for an early start at church. 9am - 3.30pm it was and I stayed the whole day. Its been brilliant, I read my testimony out to over 50 people. Can you believe that, for someone that's riddled with anxiety, I stood on that stage with a microphone and I read my testimony out. There were 53 people there and not sure how, but I got the strength from somewhere to get on that stage and read. Thank you Jesus. I prayed for strength and strength was what I got. The worship songs were amazing. They laid on a little spread for lunch and home made soup. It was lovely. Ive really had the best day and I feel so uplifted, I feel really good for a change. I know my dad and son would of been with  me today and they would of heard my testimony. I hope they're proud of me. Jensen just came home from work and the first thing he's said was 'did you read your testimony?'. I just know my kids are proud of me. I'm living for them. Ive not got much recollection...