November 14th Saturday.

Im going to miss my dad and son forever, until i die. Ive got to live with this heartache every single day, until i pass away.

Im not sure ive got forever in me, I dont know how long I can be strong for. I dont want to live to an old age, ive told my brother and sister that I dont want to grow old. Im not sure what age I want to die, or even if ill get the choice to choose when I die. Anything could happen to me, I could get knocked over by a car tomorrow. You just dont know when your time will be up, but what I do know is that I dont want to grow old.

I want to live long enough for my boys to grow older and then im done.

My time on earth will come to an end.

Im so desperate to experience death and see my dad and son again. I imagine death being so peaceful. I hope I die in my sleep, I mean, I will if I take an overdose one night. So thats guaranteed, but I just imagine death being peaceful and an end to all the pain im in.

I'll be 43 in January, 43 and im thinking about when ill end my life. Its sad really that this is how my life has become.

Im only here for my boys.

I'll never understand why God chose these battles for me, I dont know what im meant to of learned from the tragedies ive endured. I might be a stronger person now with an I dont care about anything anymore attitude, but im fucking riddled with anxiety..

Can't even go the shop without my chest going tight.

Im sober, nearly 5 years on January 1st. Thats the only good thing to of come out of everything ive been through.

I honestly think to myself some times, how the fuck am I still sober after losing my child?? I have no clue.

I think about drinking, dont get me wrong. I have the odd day here and there where I crave alcohol, but something stops me from picking the bottle up and I dont know what stops me. Maybe in my subconscious I think about my children telling me they're proud of me for not drinking, or maybe I think back to my old life and the mess I was when I was drinking.

My life has dramatically changed and improved since going sober. My circle of friends changed, my friends are all sober friends now. Life might be boring, but there's no drama and ill take that everyday of the week.

6 years tomorrow since my dad passed away and it will be 3 years next June for my son.. tell me how im still standing?....