November 13th Friday.

I hope my dad and son knew how much I loved them, i hope they know just how much I miss them. They were an important part of my life and I miss them terribly. 

My heart aches every single day for them both.

My father, my best friend and my first born child are gone forever and its killing me. 

It will be 6 years on Sunday for my dads death, he also died on a Sunday. I miss him so much.

Honestly, im not sure how ive made it through everything thats happened in the last 6 years. I sure do have some strength inside of me. Ive had a couple of breakdowns, I wont lie and its been far from easy, but somehow im still alive and im still fighting for my life.

As much as I think about death and ending it all, my boys give me the strength to keep going. They wouldnt make it if they lost me too. I couldnt do it to them. They've already lost their grandad and brother. Can you imagine if they lost their mother on top of that.

I do think one day depression will take my life, but thats not going be today!

My heart is broken, but my boys keep me going. 

I feel like ive lost my identity after losing my dad and Jay-Dee. I dont recognise myself anymore. My hair is a mess, ive got massive roots and ive not washed it for about 2 weeks. Ive got nothing inside of me. Im tired all the time. I have to force myself to get my roots done, which im getting them done next week definitely. I have to push myself to do things. I barely shower because it feels like a task. Im just a mess. I need to find myself again, I just dont know how or where to look.

Im drained all the time, depression is taking parts of me day by day and I dont know how to stop it. Im desperate to find Ann-Louise..