November 12th Thursday.

My son died and now i hate..

June 2nd

Christmas 

Birthdays

Liverpool 

Pretty much everyday

Can't even begin to tell you how much I miss my child. I only got 21 years with him. He had so much more life to live. 

What lesson am I being taught because losing my father, I thought what lesson am I meant to learn from this and then I lose my son. 

What have I learned from losing them both? I know the world is cruel! Thats a lesson i learnt and God threw cancer in between, what the fuck am I suppose to learn from all this tragedy???

When do i get a happy ending? 

How could I possibly ever have a happy ending after losing my father and son?

Im going to be sad forever and ive got to accept that. 

I dont want to feel this way forever.

I can't go on living this way. Either grief or depression will end my life one day, im certain of that.

My heart screams out a silent scream that only I can hear. Im in silent pain from their deaths. I dont know how ill ever get better mentally, I think im beyond help. I am just so depressed all the time.

I stayed at the cafe today, I only usually stay an hour, but I stayed a couple of hours with my friends. I had a cup of tea and joined in with conversations, but I was thinking to myself, im such a sad person inside and that non of my friends could see the pain I was in because I hide it so well. Ive become very good at masking my pain and sadness. Wearing my smile when im around people. People ask me how I am and I say "im fine thanks, how are you?". I say the same thing all the time, im fine. When in actual fact, I am far from being fine. I say im fine because its easier than explaining why im not..

Anyway, Jasper has just arrived and Jesse finishes school now, so ill be back tomorrow. My mood will lift now my boys are with me. What when they're all grown up and left home. Oh it doesnt bare thinking about.