November 11th Wednesday.

Its really playing on my mind that my son died by suicide. I'll never understand why he killed himself. Im absolutely heartbroken. I didn't think I could see any signs of depression, he was always a quiet young man, he stayed in his bedroom alot gaming or sleeping. Was that a sign? He also went out to raves with his mates, so I thought he was fine. Did I miss something? Could I of prevented his death? Why didn't my mother's instincts kick in through the night when he was in Liverpool?

When the police knocked on my door, the first thing I said was "have I done something wrong?". It never occurred to me that they were there to tell me they'd found my child dead. Hearing those words broke me in that moment. I'll never forget when they said my son was dead.

I remember shaking trying to find Damian in my phone. Funny thing is, Damian never answers his phone its always on silent, but that morning it rang through once and he answered. I'll never forget that.

My dads death was inevitable, still killed me inside though when he took his last breath. Myself and my sister sat for 3 hours with my dads dead body waiting for my brother to come to the hospital. 

I miss them both so much, its killing me inside. 

I want to save some money and go see a medium, im desperate to hear from them both. I know as a Christian we're not meant to because they're with God and thats that, but im so desperate to hear from them.

Anyway, changing the subject, my favourite band of all time, Fall Out Boy are touring the world and next year, June 3rd they're coming to Manchester and I really want tickets, but I can't afford :( 

Was thinking about asking Damian if he would borrow me the money because it would be a dream to see them, but its dead cheeky. Tickets go on sale today at 12pm. Going see how much they are and take it from there. I'll let you know if I get them..