Cancer, Depression and Me.

Blogs this year, ive decided to date my entries. The previous 2 years of blogging are just a deteriation of my mental health but this year my plan is to get better and blog more happier blogs. I know upto now my blogs are quit depressing but im hoping that will change. Im so depressed though, I literally dont know how to feel happiness, I mean, do you ever recover from the death of a parent? This could be the way I am for the rest of my time on earth..! Surely not though?? If this is me, this me riddled by depression then I need find a way to live with it dont I? I need to find myself again because im lost. The day my dad passed away a light flicked off inside of me. My world went dark...

I've been grieving since before my dad passed away, I started the day I heard the words terminal, but today has been a hard day. Everyday is hard without him but today, my dad has been on my mind all day. I've pictured him standing in my kitchen drinking his can like he always did after work. Some days I smile at the memories but today has been hard mentally. I miss him more than he would ever know. I love my dad so much and life is so hard without him. That man was my rock, my go to for anything I ever needed. I'm so lost without him, I long to hear his voice and see his face. Some days I wish I was dead so I could see him again.. Some days I'm strong and some days I'm not. I'm not strong today. I miss him so much it hurts.

The weight gain with Olazopine is real!!! Ive gained that much weight its depressing :( On the plus side, the intrusive thoughts arent as bad so I guess I have no choice but take the weight gain. Im going start saving money for a gastric sleeve, ive got no choice or im just going to keep gaining the weight! Ive been dieting, cut out chocolate and im still fat.. I either need lose weight or buy bigger clothes and I think its going end up being the latter. Other than the weight gain, life is still shit, im still fucking depressed and to top it off, im fat...

Let me take you back to November 2020, my father passed away aged 55 from cancer. 5 months after his death, April 2021, I had cancer. January 2022, I gave up alcohol. 2023 I had a breakdown, cant deal with the death of my father and my own cancer. 2024, trying to beat depression and have some sort of a life.. We're 17 days into 2024, I really dont want to live another year how the past few years have been. Im trying my best to stay positive but upto now nothing has changed, I know its only me that can change things but when youre as depressed as I am, its really not that easy. Im not working due to my mental health so I spend the majority of my time alone. I have gone from seeing my dad every day to feeling completely alone. Life is shit. I hope one day I write a blog that is filled with happiness and I can finally say, I beat depression... stay tuned..

I said I couldnt do another year like the last and its exactly what im doing. Im still surviving, im not thriving.. Its easy for you say 'well do something about it'. What? how? I do the school run and I sit alone all day until its time to pick my youngest back up. I sit trapped in my own mind. I was sure this year was going to be better but year but I am still living like I have the past 4 years. Thats a hell of a long time to be chronically depressed! How do I get out of this depression? How do other people do it, are there people like me that sit alone hoping to die??? Theres got to be, I know its not just me thats suffering but when youre sat alone day in day out, I feel like the only person in the world that feels this way.. So much for new year, new me. It really is same shit, different day.

I turned 40 yesterday,  I spent the day alone until the evening when I went out for a meal with my 4 children. It was lovely having all 4 of them with me. My boys are my purpose, I beat myself up all the time wondering why I'm alive and having them all with me last night just makes me realise they're the reason to be here.. I've not found a hobby yet, nor have I cooked a vegan meal. If you've read previous blogs you'll know I was on about doing some sort of hobby and the vegan thing. I don't do anything, I have no interest in life it's really sad. Anyway, a positive from today.. erm, gosh its hard to find a positive... I woke up. That's all I can take from today 🙏🏼 I woke up and I survived another day. That will do.

I'm turning 40 tomorrow and if I'm honest, this time last year I never thought I'd see 40. I honestly thought I would of killed myself by now but who would look after my children the way their mum looks after them? That's what I ask myself when I'm having intrusive thoughts.. No one could ever love my children as much as I love them and that's why I can't leave them behind.

The schools have gone back today and I'm spending the day alone.. I've loved having my kids around me over Christmas but now it's back to how it was last year. I spend everyday alone, it's my own fault for isolating myself but I've done it unintentionally.  I promised myself this year would be better, would be different, but here I am sat on my own trapped in my own mind. I've got no motivation and I'm tired. I can't do another year like the last, I nearly killed myself due to being completely alone, but, how do I change things when I have crippling anxiety? Let's hope tomorrow is a better day.

You dont see stars often, the sky can be dark but I dont see stars, unless im just not looking, but, tonight I found myself star gazing. Just stud in silence, looking at the stars. So peaceful, found myself thinking where could my dad possibly be? You know theres not a day that goes by that I dont think of my father. Grief is an odd thing, some times I smile when I think of my dad and some days I cry inside at the thought of never seeing him again. Today, im sad inside. I long to see his face looking back at me as I gaze through the window. I ask out loud for him to send me a sign, but I get nothing. Im filled with nothingness.. Theres a hole inside me thats so dark and empty and I know I will always feel this way until I meet my father again.

5 days until I turn 40.. They say life begins at 40 haha heres hoping. No matter how dark my days get im going to try my best to find a positive amoungst it all. I woke up this morning to a message off my son Jasper, it said this.. "I know I dont show it but im really proud of you for sticking to being sober and I love you" The impact that small message had on me was immense, it filled my heart with so much love. I could burst with pride. That message right there is one of the reasons I stay sober. I do it for my chidren. Thinking back to when I was actively drinking everyday, im ashamed of myself but I dont dwell on it because im making everything right and have been for the past 2 years. To hear my kids say they are proud of me means the absoloute world to me. You know what, I might not have got alot right in life but I did with my children and I am one proud mum! Sobriety isnt for the weak, youll get tested on a daily, adverts on tv, people on facebook posting pics of alco...

Ive been writing these blogs now for over 2 years, makes me realise how long ive suffered with depression for.. Its been a while, its been over 4 years when my depression got bad, after my dads terminal diagnosis. Ive been for bloods today and an ECG to check how my body is coping with the medication I take. I feel sad today, I dont have a reason, I just feel sad. I can have a few good days then all of sudden I can be filled with saddness. I know this is just how my life is going to be, ive accepted that but it doesnt make it any easier to deal with. Ive been vegetarian now for over a year and im thinking of going vegan. I dont like how animals are kept and then killed, bred just for food, plus I just went off the taste. Anyway, ive ordered myself a book, a recipe book for beginners full of vegan foods. This could be my new hobby! learning and cooking vegan food. I'll keep you posted on my vegan journey! I need something to occupy my mind so who knows becoming vegan may be good for...

NYE last night, I didnt do anything, it was a night like any other.. Ive felt positive today, I have taken my pug out in the dark whilst it was raining for a walk, cleared the mind. I thought about a hobby and I think im going to start crocheting, so we'll see how that goes. Im 40 in 9 days and I cant do another year like the past few years, I would rather die than spend another year alone trapped in my own head. Im trying to be as positive as I can but its so damn hard when you suffer with your mental health. Im determined to fight even harder this year to be happy, I deserve happiness and im so desperate to feel happiness. You know, I had cancer in 2021 and im only just dealing with it all, ever likely im so messed up in the head! I know one thing for sure, im one hell of a strong minded woman because I will try my best to fight my demons until the day I die. My children are my reason to live and I will try my damn hardest to stick around for them. My 4 beautiful creations, my re...