January 1st 2024

NYE last night, I didnt do anything, it was a night like any other.. Ive felt positive today, I have taken my pug out in the dark whilst it was raining for a walk, cleared the mind. I thought about a hobby and I think im going to start crocheting, so we'll see how that goes. Im 40 in 9 days and I cant do another year like the past few years, I would rather die than spend another year alone trapped in my own head. Im trying to be as positive as I can but its so damn hard when you suffer with your mental health. Im determined to fight even harder this year to be happy, I deserve happiness and im so desperate to feel happiness. You know, I had cancer in 2021 and im only just dealing with it all, ever likely im so messed up in the head! I know one thing for sure, im one hell of a strong minded woman because I will try my best to fight my demons until the day I die. My children are my reason to live and I will try my damn hardest to stick around for them. My 4 beautiful creations, my reasons to live, my chidren. Im 2 years sober today, what an achievement hey! 2 years on and I still crave alcohol, its torture but I just have to remind myself, I nearly died from a suicide attempt whilst heavily under the influence. I was put on breathing equiptment.. shit was serious. It wasnt my time to die!! The reason I stay sober is because of how bad my intrusive thoughts are and because im sober, I can sort of manage them better. Id of been dead now for 2 years if I wasnt saved by the paramedics and hospital staff. My kids would of lost their mum and its only now I realise alcohol doesnt suit me and my mental health. My kids would of gone through life feeling the way I do about losing a parent and that scares the life out of me. So you see this is why I fight so hard to stay alive for my children. Happy New Year to who ever reads my blogs, heres to a new year of hopefully positive blogs x