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Jesus take the wheel, because I can't do this on my own.

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June 14th My Son Is Coming Home.

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The coroner has rang today and the funeral home. My son will be getting collected from Liverpool, Monday morning. Which means I can hopefully see him Tuesday. Its Friday today. It will be over 2 weeks since I last saw my child. As a mother, my body is yearning to see my son. I just need to hold him and kiss him on his head. I feel sickness to the pit of my stomach, I'm dreading seeing my baby in a coffin, I'm dreading the funeral. This shouldn't be happening. His funeral will be July 1st at 12.15. I just feel numb. Im convinced its not my son and he'll just arrive home at some point.. I feel hollow with a sick feeling in my stomach. A few of my friends delivered me a beautiful canvas of my son this morning. What beautiful, thoughtful people I have in my life. I don't really know how I feel or what to say, I don't understand how I'm still alive. I'm lost...
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March 1st Sunday.

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Natalie bombarded me with messages last night, pissed me right off. Telling me she loves me, so this morning ive told her its infatuation and she can't possibly love me and to leave me alone. Ive got enough shit going on in my head without her adding to it. Fuck it off! Life's so much easier being single. Just me and my boys. Going eat what I want today then start calorie counting tomorrow, try shift some weight. Got us all a McDonald's breakfast this morning haha. Don't know how im going stick to a diet, but im going try my best. Getting my hair done tomorrow, really can't be bothered, but my roots are so bad. Thank god my mums a hairdresser haha. I feel ok today, better than I have done the past few days/weeks. Im cooking a gammon joint for dinner. Still need wash my slow cooker, but that can wait till tomorrow. Trying stay positive today and be more thankful. Its hard when you're depressed and grieving. I pray im not like this forever because its horrible. Yo...
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August 12th Tuesday.

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Literally done nothing today except a load of washing. I'm so tired from yesterday's day trip. Can tell im getting old. Been watching a new series on Prime called Sight Unseen. Its good. I'm meeting my sister tomorrow with the kids at Forest Park. We can have a walk around the lake, the kids can play on the park and we'll get ice creams. It'll be a few hours out of the house so that's good. I dont feel too bad today. Mentally, im doing ok. Thought about my dad and son, but that's nothing new. Still gutted they aren't here anymore, but what can I do about it? Nothing. Just got to try and live a life without them. Its hard work, but im doing bits to keep me going. The strength I get from my boys is immense, I live because of them. My faith plays a big part in my existence too. I pray alot. Anyway, if you're looking for something to watch give this ago im watching. 
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