Cancer, Depression and Me.

I live everyday for my children, as much as I long to die, im grateful that God wakes me up in the morning so I can see my kids grow up.  Im so proud of my boys, they're well mannered, caring boys. They give me purpose. They dont realise how much they save me everyday.  Ive been writing this blog for 5 years now, ive been depressed way before my dad died, its just that his death tipped me over the edge.  Some times I ask myself why I survived my cancer, how have I survived losing my father and son. There's a reason im still here fighting everyday. God has a plan for me. I want to do something about men's mental health, I want to help men that are secretly going through what my son went through. Maybe thats my reason to live. I want something good to come from Jay-Dees death. Im not sure what i can do yet, but it'll come to me when the time is right. I dont think im going for that job next week. Its 2 buses there and back for 2 hours work a day. Its in Meir and ive not g...

All I have left are photos around my house which I find myself staring at and drifting away thinking of the memories I had with my dad and son. Everyday i try to remember their voices. My heart aches today, I miss them both so much. I was just looking at a photo of Jay-Dee on my phone, its my screen saver and my heart sank. I miss my son so much its killing me. Everyday I tell my dad and son that I miss them, in the hopes that they can somehow hear me. I have to believe they can for my own sanity. I could cry. Im numb to everything around me, my heart cries out for them both.  Jesse went Damians last night for a sleepover and this morning he messaged me saying 'love you', made me realise why I have to stay. Me killing myself, as much as I want to, would destroy my kids. I dont want to be alive anymore, but I have to for them. Its cruel that I have to live, but i can't destroy my kids lives anymore than they already are after losing their grandad and brother. I wonder if the...

I dont think people really understand the depth of grief until you lose a parent or child, or in my case both. When I say it hurts, I mean, I can feel it in my bones. My heart feels heavy in my chest. Im constantly tired, im tired of fighting everyday to survive. Its me versus me everyday. Add depression into the mix and its exhausting. Wanting to die, whilst wanting to live for my living children. Torn between two worlds, the living and the dead. The heartache I carry with me everyday is draining, some times, debilitating. There are days that I dont leave the house because of anxiety, and I try my best to push through. I have days where I want to slice through my wrists, just to feel something, but I dont because I dont want Jesse to see blood dripping from my arms. I cancel plans all the time because I prefer to suffer alone. My misery doesnt like company. I take enough medication a day that you'd think id be on cloud nine, but the truth is, all that medication does is keep my he...

Was meant to blog yesterday, was sure I had, but I hadnt. My cat has to stay upstairs through the day whilst im downstairs and when I go bed, hes allowed the run of the house whilst im locked in my room to avoid him. Its working, im too scared to be around him. Its been like this for a week now. Its a pain in the arse, but its the only thing I can do to keep my dog and cat away from each other. I feel deflated today. Dont think the weather helps. Its wet and cold outside. Ive taken my recycling out to the bin. The cat isn't allowed out of Jensens room until ive done all his food and litter tray which is at the bottom of the stairs. Hes scared me that much because he attacked me that I can't be around him anymore.  Ive washed all my dishes, wish there was somewhere to put a dish washer in my kitchen, but there's no room. Im going to do a wash and watch some more of The Mentalist.  Been having weird dreams the last few nights. Can't remember last nights dream, but I remem...

I have 2 urns sitting on a shelf in my living room and every time I look at them, my heart breaks over and over again. Im thankful I get to keep my dad and son at home with me because it does bring me some comfort, but it still hurts when I look at them both in wooden boxes. I feel so sad today, I miss them both so much. I spent the last few days with my dad before he died at his bed side, morning and night. I never left his side. I hope he knows I stayed with him. I slept on a chair with my head on his bed with him. God I miss my dad so much. I never got to be with my son before he died and that kills me inside. I feel guilt that he died on his own and I couldnt save him. I miss you Jay-Dee.  My heart aches today and grief is heavy. I need to pull myself together and snap out of how im feeling. Jesse has broke up today for a week, a nice week of lie ins. Tomorrow im going to force myself to shower and wash my hair. Its been about 2 weeks since I washed it and you could cook chips ...

Just sat thinking about my old life, the one I had before my dad passed away. I was out all the time, drinking everyday, crying, fighting, cutting my wrists, and everything changed the day my dad passed away. Now im quiet, reserved, loving, sober, im more present as a parent and my life is peaceful. I say i love you to the people I love everyday. Losing my dad and my son and having cancer really changed the way I live my life. These tragic events that have happened scared me that much that I turned my life around for the better. Im sober, nearly 5 years sober. Yes I have suicidal ideation most days, but im not slicing through my wrists anymore, im not spending 24 hours in police custody. My life might seem boring some times to me, but im doing better than I was when I was a drunk. Those 3 tragic events have changed my life forever.  Mentally ive been doing ok for a few days now, I feel sad, but im doing ok. I miss my dad and son so much, my heart aches for them. Next month will be ...

2 of my friends came to see me today, which was nice. Im not very sociable, but I try my best. They were here a couple of hours and we had a nice catch up. Did me a favour to he honest because I was sat feeling sad about my dad and son, so they snapped me out of it before it took hold of me. The cat has gone for my dog this morning, again! So I give the cat his food and had to feed my dog on the settee because we couldnt get near to where she usually eats. I said to Jesse, get a bit of ham and lure the cat to the stairs. Once he was on the stairs I closed the door and hes been up there ever since. I can't have him around me or the dog anymore.  I dread coming out of my room in the morning because I hear him meowing outside my door. Something has got to be done with him before I cracked up. Hes driving me insane. Im literally scared of being around him. Jensen will have to have him in his room more, because my nervous system can't take it. Won't be long before Jesse is home,...