Cancer, Depression and Me.

Did the school run, went the cafe, tried to join in with conversations. Went Asda, came home and ive been sat on my own all day. Slowly going out of my mind. Its been a long day. I was sat in the cafe watching all my friends talking to each other and it made me realise how disconnected I am from everything. I feel like I just dont fit in anymore. Im only here because my boys need me, but I long to die. When my friends are all talking I just sit there with my fake smile on my face. I just wanted to tell them how unwell I am mentally, but I just kept it to myself. I was so anxious about doing the school run, but thats because I didn't do it all last week. I keep thinking about not going out with all my friends Friday night, I know it will do me good, but im not as outgoing as them and im worried they'll think im boring. I dont know, maybe it'll be fun and I'll actually enjoy myself.. but what if i dont. What if I just want to be alone? I guess i could always leave early. ...

Been out to take my dog for a walk, i did yesterday too. Only because Jesse wanted me to because he wanted go on his bike and the weather has been nice, so i thought why not. Done me good going for a walk, clears my head from everything that goes around in my brain. The weekends go by so fast, back to the school run in the morning and I'll be walking with Jesse to make sure he doesn't get bullied. On Friday im going the King's Hall with 7 of my friends to watch a Michael Jackson tribute act, looking forward to it. Damian is having Jesse over night so it'll be a good night with the girls.  Im not feeling too bad today, the dog walk has done me good. Just fed my animals their tea, washed and dried Jesse's uniform. Just cooking Jesse some chicken dippers to have with some mayo because hes hungry and thats what hes asked for. Im on day 4 of my diet and its going well. Ive had no chocolate or anything unhealthy. Ive been filling up on chicken and veg. We'll see Thurs...

Im not ok, im just sat thinking about how unwell mentally I am. Didn't get out of bed till 11am and if im honest, I didn't even want to get up then. The window cleaner woke me up at half 7 cleaning my bedroom window and my dog was going mental. Who the fuck cleans windows at half 7 on a Saturday morning? Pissed me right off, but I went back sleep. Took my meds last night and slept loads better, thank god. Jensen took me Asda last night so i dont need go the shops today. Ive got no plans for today, its 12.01pm and I just want the day to be over already.  Ive got an appointment Monday with my psychiatrist, I dont think there's anything more she can do to help me. We just need come to terms with the fact that I'll die young, by suicide because thats just how I see my life and death. I can't see a way out. Im trying my best everyday to get through each day. Im not thriving one bit, its just surviving. It takes all my energy just to get through each day and some people s...

My son was punched and kicked in the head this morning at 8.25am on the school grounds, but apparently because it was before half 8 when school opens, basically its not really the schools problem. Im so disappointed in my sons school! My son is ok. I said to the school, that kick to the head could of been fatal and ive already got one dead child. Im furious with the school. I said what is your policy on bullying because this isn't the first time my son has been hit. I just want him home with me. Hes not been school all week, he didn't want to go this morning, but I made him and he gets hit!! Ive told the school he'll be in school from 9am next week, half an hour after everyone else to avoid this cruel behaviour. They said Jesse is ok. I want him straight home from school and in the house where hes safe. Ive not left the house in days, I need to get out before I crack up. Been so low mentally. Just want to sleep all the time. Last night I couldnt sleep, I just couldnt fall a...

My dad and son have a new resting place now Damian has put me my shelf up. They're both on there together. I'll post a pic so you can see. I was up at 4am with Jesse being sick this morning, so no school again for him. His attendance is so poor. I'll be getting another bloody fine. Jesse's fast asleep now on the settee, hes been asleep a few hours now so I know hes not himself.  Hate being stuck in the house, even if its only nipping the shop it does me good. Im tired. Im tired all the time, doesnt matter how much sleep I have, I am always tired.  Damian has renewed Jay-Dees flower bed fees today, he pays for it every year. Nearly Jay-Dees birthday so ill be down to lay flowers. He should be turning 24 on the 30th of this month. Its just heartbreaking.  Miss my dad and son so much.

Ended up meeting my brother up Hanley yesterday, was only up there about an hour then I came back home. Did me good getting out for an hour or so. Got some toiletries and washing stuff and thats about it. Ive been my mums this morning get my hair done. Really had to force myself go because I hate having my hair done, but im glad my roots are gone now. You should of seen my hair, it was horrendous. Proper let myself go. Ive now got lilac hair because mum used a new toner, and lilac is ok with me. It'll fade the more I wash it, and we all know I barely wash my hair, so the lilac will be here for a while haha. Told my mum I loved her before I left and she never said it back. Now if I killed myself she'd be gutted she never said it back. I always tell people I love them because life is too short.  She asked me how I was last night, and I said I wish id just die in my sleep. She said "dont be silly"... well thats me fixed!! Not! Dont be silly, really pissed me off. She jus...

I feel so low today. Haven't taken Jesse school, I woke up, brushed my teeth and I just couldnt bring myself to face the day. Jesse wouldnt wake up and I just gave up trying to wake him and got back in bed.  I miss my dad and my son so much i could just cry. Grief is heavy today. Damians just told me its £100 to fix Jesse's hdmi port on his PlayStation thats broke. I'll never have any spare money for Christmas, there's always something that needs fixing or buying. Im so fed up of being alive and having to deal with everything. Im tired.  I feel so drained today, im sad. Life is overwhelming me today. Feel like ive got the weight of the world on my shoulders.  Why is life so hard? Im struggling today with wanting to be alive, id happily end it all today. I could self harm. I wont because I dont want Jesse seeing blood on my wrists so I promised myself that I wouldnt do it anymore. Just need a release from everything im feeling. Im going lie down on the settee and try and...