Cancer, Depression and Me.

Ended up meeting my brother up Hanley yesterday, was only up there about an hour then I came back home. Did me good getting out for an hour or so. Got some toiletries and washing stuff and thats about it. Ive been my mums this morning get my hair done. Really had to force myself go because I hate having my hair done, but im glad my roots are gone now. You should of seen my hair, it was horrendous. Proper let myself go. Ive now got lilac hair because mum used a new toner, and lilac is ok with me. It'll fade the more I wash it, and we all know I barely wash my hair, so the lilac will be here for a while haha. Told my mum I loved her before I left and she never said it back. Now if I killed myself she'd be gutted she never said it back. I always tell people I love them because life is too short.  She asked me how I was last night, and I said I wish id just die in my sleep. She said "dont be silly"... well thats me fixed!! Not! Dont be silly, really pissed me off. She jus...

I feel so low today. Haven't taken Jesse school, I woke up, brushed my teeth and I just couldnt bring myself to face the day. Jesse wouldnt wake up and I just gave up trying to wake him and got back in bed.  I miss my dad and my son so much i could just cry. Grief is heavy today. Damians just told me its £100 to fix Jesse's hdmi port on his PlayStation thats broke. I'll never have any spare money for Christmas, there's always something that needs fixing or buying. Im so fed up of being alive and having to deal with everything. Im tired.  I feel so drained today, im sad. Life is overwhelming me today. Feel like ive got the weight of the world on my shoulders.  Why is life so hard? Im struggling today with wanting to be alive, id happily end it all today. I could self harm. I wont because I dont want Jesse seeing blood on my wrists so I promised myself that I wouldnt do it anymore. Just need a release from everything im feeling. Im going lie down on the settee and try and...

Jesse's just gone with Damian for a few hours and im just sat here looking at my son and dads urns on my fire. Feel a bit deflated today. Wish I could of stayed in bed all day. Jasper is sleeping tonight, ill go up bed about 8pm. Today im 1,716 days sober. 4 years and 9 months without a drink. Crazy. Im just drinking an alcohol free Kopparberg. Tastes just like the one with alcohol in. Dont usually drink alcohol free drinks incase it gives me the taste for the real thing, but im only having the one then ill b e back on my fizzy pop. Im going find a movie to watch or a good documentary, but first im going to carry on reading a few pages of my Bible.  I want my faith to grow and i think reading the bible will help. Heres a photo of my dad and sons urns on my fire that im sat looking at.. My dad's is the dark brown one and my sons has the tree of life on the front.

Brought my dad's ashes down today and hes now currently next to Jay-Dees on the fire until Damian puts me my shelf up to put them both on in the living room. Last night I was moving dad's stuff off my draws and putting it all away safely. On top of my draws in my bedroom was like a shrine to him and its just become too much having so much heart ache everywhere. Im not forgetting my dad, im just putting some stuff into draws in my room. It was so hard last night putting dads stuff in draws, but its something I need to do for my own sanity. Its hard now having two lots of ashes sitting on my fire place. Im just hoping my floating shelf will hold them both. I miss my dad and my son so much. Jesse has been a party today at Inflato and whilst he was gone I went Asda with Jensen get stuff to make a chilli for tea, then I watched Romeo & Juliet. One of my favourite films. Ive not felt too bad today, im tired. Didn't get much sleep last so want go bed early tonight. Jasper is g...

Can you die from a broken heart? I feel like im fading away, im losing myself more and more as the days go by. I am so depressed and heartbroken. I hate being alive. One day im going to kill myself, i just know it. Im tired of trying to be strong everyday.  One of my friends said I was the strongest woman she knows. Let me tell you, I sure as hell dont feel strong. Ive lost my identity along the road of grief. I dont recognise myself in the mirror. My eyes are sad, when I look at myself i can see the sadness in my eyes and it breaks my heart. I use to be a bubbly outgoing person and now im walking around like the grim reaper is following me. Just waiting to die. Im not living, im surviving. There's a massive difference.  Jesse took himself to school today, he said I dont need go anymore, but thats where the cafe is that I see my friends, so ill still go. Didn't go this morning, decided to walk Asda when Jesse left at 8.10am and do some shopping. As I was walking to Asda my che...

World suicide prevention day today and it got me thinking, if one of Jay-Dees friends had followed him out of that hotel room early hours of that Sunday morning, maybe my son would still be alive. He was walking around Liverpool for hours on his own early hours of the morning before he killed himself at 5.30am. Im so heartbroken I can't even begin to explain.  Still doesnt seem real that ill never see my son again. My dad's death was inevitable, cancer was starving him to death with it being Esophageal cancer. Its a cruel cancer. You watch your loved one starve to death.  I feel sick today with grief, its making me physically ill. Feel like I could throw up. I wish I could just end my life and be done with, thats honestly how I feel, but I can't leave my other children.  Suicide just passes the pain to your loved ones.  I hope my dad and son know how much I miss them. Its killing me slowly. Im a shell of a person and grief and depression are killing me. I wont live t...

Jesse had Monday and Tuesday off school, but ive taken him in today. Its so hard to find the motivation to take him. Im always tired. It takes all ive got to not kill myself, so school isn't top of my priorities. It should be, but its not. Some days it takes all ive got in me to get out of bed. Am I in denial about my father and sons death? Is that what's wrong with me? Because im trying to work out how to help myself mentally, but i dont know what's wrong with me. I know they're dead and they're not coming back, but i just can't come to terms with it all. Ive never looked until last night at the multistory car park my son fell from. The 17th floor he fell from. Knocked me sick, felt like id been punched in the stomach. Im so sad inside.  I honestly dont know how you come back from all the tragedy ive been through.  Ive been writing this blog for over 5 years, and ive been depressed much longer than that. I started blogging when I had cancer in the hopes my blog...