Cancer, Depression and Me.

Been out on a drive to Leek today so Jensen could collect something for his computer desk. Was a lovely drive whilst the sun was shining. I thought I was doing ok today, then we were driving back from Hanley and we came to a bridge and the first thing I thought about was jumping off it. Good job I was in a car. That's how my brain works, even on a better day, I still think about killing myself. Why is that? I dont know. We've got no Internet because the new router isn't working and the old router died so got an engineer coming out tomorrow to fix it for us. Its only 6.12pm and I already want to go bed. Think I was in bed last night watching tv at 7pm. Must of been asleep before 10pm easily. Told you before, sleep is an escape from my reality. If im sleeping, im not over thinking, plus there's a small chance I get to see my dad and son when im asleep. I dont go sleep when I get in bed, I just relax and watch some tv. Usually my tablet with something on Prime or Netflix. ...

Today myself and Jasper have been to get our eyes tested. Ive got to have some sort of verifocles so I can see far away and up close or I would of had to have 2 pairs of glasses. Jasper's eyes are perfect which is good.  Jesse is at Trentham Gardens with Damian, Louise, Mabel and Max having a picnic in this lovely weather. He was meant to have his eyes tested, but he loves his days with Damian. It guts me that at some point in his life ive got to tell him that Damian isn't his bio father. Damian is the one who buys things he needs, gives him pocket money every month. He takes him out every Sunday without fail. That's a father! I think ill wait till hes in high school to tell him. It wont change anything, he will still class Damian as his father. Jasper and I went KFC after we'd been Boots to get our eyes done. Ive come back, got in my pjs and pigged out on chicken. Bloody lovely. Ill never be thin. I was taking the Reta jab, but it just stopped working. Dont think im me...

Mental health is shit again, wish I could just end my life and be done with. Its 4.26pm, I didn't get out of bed till 11am and if it wasn't for Jesse telling me he wants his breakfast, then id of stayed in bed. Im tired, im so fucking tired of being alive. I need a break from life, I need a quiet room to just sit in and cry on my own. There's 2 parts to me. An Ann-Louise that wants to die and a Ann-Louise that wishes she was happier for her kids. An Ann-Louise that needs to stay alive for her kids. Ive got no motivation in me, the 6 week holidays are merging into one, before I know it Jesse will be starting year 6 and ive got to go back to doing the school runs. Thought I was getting better last week when I was feeling ok, should of known it wouldnt last! Jensen treated us all to breakfast this morning. Hes such a lovely young man. Im so proud of how my boys have turned out. Absolutely guts me that Jay-Dee killed himself. It kills me inside. The pain from losing a child is ...

Woke up crying through the night, my dad came to me in my dreams and hugged me. We wrapped our arms around each other and it felt so real, and then I woke up and it hit me that hes dead. Absolutely heartbroken. I had a visitation and it broke my heart. I miss my dad so much. I wish my son would visit me in my dreams and hug me. I miss them both so much, its killing me. Its going to be one of those days today where my dad and son are constantly on my mind. Its been like this the past few days. I feel so low. There's nothing more id love than to end my life and be reunited with them both again, but I know my living children need me. I need to do something today to get me out of my own head. I need to occupy my mind. Might get ready and take Jesse the park for an hour, or take the dog for a walk. Anything really. Wish I could just lie in bed and be done with life.

Had a low day today. Made a few tiktoks about Jay-Dee, then I found myself scrolling through tiktoks ive made of Jay-Dee and my dad and its made me feel even worse. Im so sad inside and ive got to live the rest of my life feeling this way. Its horrible. I feel empty inside. Losing my dad and son has been the worst thing that has ever happened to me, and ive had cancer. Death has destroyed me inside. I walk around smiling at people and all I really want to do is lie in my bed and cry. Im a mother to 3 other boys so I have no choice but to carry on. Im trying my best to live, but im not living, im just surviving. My head is literally above water. My body is submerged. Dont know how im meant to live the rest of my life feeling the way I do. Jensen took me the barbers earlier so him and Jesse could get a hair cut and i looked at myself in the mirror and hated what was looking back at me. Im just not happy about being alive. I wish I loved me, but I dont. How am I meant to keep living like ...

Some days life is unbearable, but we have to carry on. Grief is heavy today. I miss my son and dad so much, i can't describe how I feel. Until you lose someone you love, you wont understand the pain I feel inside.  Regardless of how i feel, I still have to be a mum. Jasper had a job centre appointment today, so I got up early and went with him as he didn't want to go on his own. Hes 18 and still needs his mum. This is why I can't go yet, my boys still need me. We went Asda get some pop and stuff to make tacos for the boys tea. Im going my mates for tea with another friend so that'll be nice. Ive scrubbed my bathroom and both toilets and thats my day. Im just eating some toast and im sat with Jasper. Not had toast in ages, forgot how nice it is haha. 25th of September im going kings Hall with about 8 of my friends to watch a Michael Jackson show. Given me something to look forward to.  Anyway, thats my day. Jesse is going at 5pm to go cinema with Damian and ill be meetin...

Thinking about my dad and son alot today, probably because im not keeping myself busy. Its shit how you have to try and stay busy, so you dont have time to think about things. Its still hard to believe that my son and dad are both in my house in wooden boxes. Its just not how life was meant to be, but here we are. I go bed, I sit staring at my dad on my draws, I get up and sit staring at my son on the fire. I do get comfort though knowing they're both safe with me. I couldnt imagine having to scatter them or give them to someone else. They're at home with me and they'll always be with me until I die. My house was like dad's home, he was here everyday. Its only right that his resting place is here. Jay-Dee, what can I say, this was his home. I never thought Jay-Dee would leave home, I thought hed be the one that would stay with his mum and now he will be. Its so sad. Miss them both so much, it hurts my heart. Im going to have days like this, I know that now.