Cancer, Depression and Me.

35 days until I go on holiday. Why did I book it a year ago thinking id be "better" by now? I was fucking delusional! Anxiety is kicking in big time about going. Ive brought nothing for myself to take. Jesse has 5 outfits to take which are lovely. There's still so much that I need to buy, with little money to get it all. What will be, will be. I keep telling myself that ill be fine once I get on the plane, but im so nervous. Ive always gone away with another adult, so its daunting going on my own with just Jasper and Jesse-John. I'll be ok wont I? Not done alot today, had my dad and son on my mind like always. Jensen took me collect my medication and then to Asda to get something for tea. We're having bacon and cheese oatcakes.  I miss my dad and son so much, life is just so cruel. Im dreading next Tuesday when it'll be 2 years for Jay-Dee. Can you imagine going 2 years without speaking to or seeing your child? It's torture. I speak to my dad and son every...

Finally, after months of putting it off, my hair has been done. Scalp bleach and a toner. Mum said that should be £90 in a salon, luckily my mums a hairdresser then isn't haha. Told her i loved her, thats my payment. My roots were horrendous, my hair looked so bad, but its all done now. Thank God. Ive been in and out of the house doing bits of sunbathing and I was just lying there looking up at the clouds and thought to myself, my dad and son are up there. It breaks my heart. A week today will be 2 years without my child. Honestly, I dont know how ive made it this far. Mum said to me, how am I doing, and I said I honestly wish I was dead. She said stop thinking like that and think of the boys. I said the only reason im alive is for the boys. I said if I didn't have them, id of been gone along time ago, she said I know. Jensen came and picked me up from mums bless him. Mum said I should visit more often, but she lives so far away it costs a fortune in taxis. I should make more o...

Jesse hasn't been very well today, but hes had medicine and hes feeling better. Ive been in and out of the house all day, doing bits of gardening. We went get Jensens car washed and cleaned inside. Nipped Home Bargains for some Monster drinks. Collected Jasper on our way home and whilst I cooked tacos for tea, all the boys were out in the back garden doing all the weeding. It was so nice to watch them all do the garden, but at the same time I felt sadness that Jay-Dee wasn't with them. On the way to get Jasper we have to go past the crem, my heart sank knowing Jay-Dee has a flower bed there. Im so glad his ashes are with me at home, because driving past the cemetery knowing our son was buried there would kill me. So im glad hes with his mum. Same with my dad, im glad his ashes are with me. They're both safe and they'll stay with me until I die. I feel ok today, had a few moments of sadness, but ive pushed through. The back garden looks so much better after Damian mowing...

Damian came around this morning in this red hot weather and did all my grass for me. It was so overgrown. Hes such a good man. Im lucky to have him in my life. Anything me or the kids need and hes there to help. Im blessed. After Damian went my friend Rachael came and shes literally been here all day, a good 6 hours. My mind has been occupied today. Spoke about Jay-Dee whilst having conversations. It always fills my heart when I speak about my dad and son. I love to talk about them, they deserve to be remembered. Im in my pjs now ready for bed. Its 7:04pm. Just had my nighttime medication. My washer is nearly done so I can peg my washing out, ill fetch it back in tomorrow. I can actually get to my washing line now Damian has sorted my grass out. Bless him, he had sweat dripping off him doing the garden in this weather. I did give him a can of pop. Ive not felt too bad today but thats because ive had people around me. Anyway, Jensen is getting us all a desert and we're dieting from ...

Im so lost in life, i dont know how to find myself. I was just thinking about the fact that i only stayed my sisters for a couple of hours because they were drinking and I wasn't. After all these years im still struggling with sobriety and being around drinkers. I could of easily had a drink yesterday, but I chose to walk away. My kids deserve a sober mum, a present mum. I might be depressed, but im sober and thats the main thing. Im just really struggling with life. I just dont want to be alive anymore, its so sad. I was going say I dont know what happened in life to make me feel this way, but I do, my dad died, I had cancer, my son died. Im a broken woman. Death really changes you as a person, its the worst thing thats ever happened to me. I just dont see how life will get any better. How can it without my dad and son? How do you come back from losing people you love so deeply? I dont think ill ever get better regardless of how much medication my psychiatrist chucks at me. Nothin...

Saw my psychiatrist at dinner time, told her how im suicidal most days and i just dont see a point in me being alive. She said should she be worried and I assured her that I dont want to act on my suicidal ideation. I said I couldnt bare to leave my children. So along with Venlafexine and Olanzopine, ill be taking Mitazapine as well now. All this medication wont bring my dad and son back. Life's hard work, but i refuse to give up.. Jesse went at half 10 this morning for his sleepover at Warwick Castle, I went my sisters to meet up with her and my brother. After a couple of hours id had enough. They were drinking and I wasn't. Feel like I dont fit in anymore. 4 years and 5 months sober and I still have hard days. Its like im living a fucking nightmare that I can't wake up from! Im screaming inside!!  Im in so much pain mentally, i feel dead inside. Jasper is here now, so im not on my own now. Just been telling him about my psychiatrist and I told him ill never leave him and ...

Grief feels so heavy today. My son had so much more life to live, memories to make. He was 21.. my dad was 55, they were both taken far too soon. My heart is broken. I dont know how to come back from losing them both. I dont know how to live without them. Grief is killing me off slowly.. Last day of school today, Jesse breaks up today. Hes going for a sleepover tomorrow at Warwick Castle and im going my sisters for a get together for my brothers 40th birthday. Looking forward to getting out for a few hours and having a child free night. Ill have the bed to myself. I do miss Jesse when hes not here though. Ive been the cafe to see my friends, managed to join in with conversations.  Jesse's got a birthday party to go on Saturday at 4pm which hes looking forward to. All my friends from school are going with their kids so it'll be nice have a catch up with them all. Got no plans for half term, I need to mow my grass in my back garden and ill have to think of things to do with Jesse...