Cancer, Depression and Me.

I'm just sat thinking about my son. I try to remember his voice in my mind and its hard. I can't remember my dad's voice, its been forever since ive heard him. Losing my father and son has destroyed me. 2026 has got to be a better year or I just won't make it out alive. I can't do another year like the last 5. I dont know how im still alive. The last 5 years since my father's death, have been a blur. My memory is shocking. I'm hanging on by a thread. Head is literally above water. Jesse's going back school tomorrow. I need to see my friends and get out of this house before it consumes me. Its 4pm and I just want to go bed. Fed up of being an adult. Jesse's gone out with Damian, so its just me and Jasper. Hes going soon though, he stayed over last night. Forced myself to shower, go me! Depression is killing me, that and grief. I need to find myself, 2026 has got to be my year. I'm praying for happiness. It would be so nice to write a happier blog....

Jesse was sick again last night so he's been off today. That's 4 days off sick and welfare have video called me to check on Jesse. The fuck do they think im doing with him? Anyway, its not been a bad day mentally. My brother has not long gone home so ive had company all day. Damian rang to see if Jesse wants a sleepover tonight, and even though he's still a bit poorly, he wanted to sleep over so he's not long just gone. A child free night and im spending it in my pjs with my dog and kitten. How fucking sad am I? Haven't got to get up early in the morning ao that's a bonus! Thought about my dad and son today, like I do everyday, but having my brother here helped. Now im sat on my own, that's when I sit thinking about everything. Jesse asked me to put a Christmas tree up, but my heart isn't in it. I know im going have to put one up at some point, but im leaving it as long as possible. I'll just be glad when its over with. Its just money all the time an...

Ive been out to the shops this morning, get some fresh air. Jasper had a 2 hour break at college so he came home and watched Jesse. Hes going back school tomorrow. Hes better now. I'm currently sat with the dog and cat asleep on me thinking of my son. I'm just devastated. I miss him so so much. Its killing me. Will this type of grief ever get easier? Losing a parent is bad enough, but to lose a child.. that's something else. Its a pain ive never felt. My heart cries out everyday for my son. I was blessed to be his mother for 21 years. 21 years of age, it breaks my heart. I'll never understand why it had to be my dad and my son, and then my cancer in-between. Ive been dealt a rough life that I just wish would end. I can't see me ever getting better. How do you live after losing a child? I'm struggling. I could cry. Ive had enough of fighting everyday to stay alive. Feel like ive got the weight of the world on my shoulders and its all grief. Grief is heavy. I'...

I didn't ask to be born. Don't even know what else to say. Not left the house since Monday because Jesse has a sickness bug and its not helping my mental health. Not seen anyone since Monday, I know its only 2 days ive been stuck in, but when you suffer with your mental health it feels like a lifetime. You know what was nice though, a few of my friends had messaged me to see if I was ok because I'd not been school. Warmed my heart. When I keep thinking no one cares, they do care. I feel blessed to have the friends I have. Feel like im in a rut with my depression, like im stuck and dont know how to get better. I'm not sure what im meant to do. I just keep showing up everyday. I'm literally forcing myself to live. I force myself every morning to get out of bed. I hate it. I hate waking up. Yes, im thankful I do, but im also gutted. My heads fucked. Want to be alive, but wouldnt mind dying.. if I dont laugh, i will cry and I promised myself i wouldnt cry infront of the...

Saw a post on Facebook that said, its ok if youre medicated everyday. So why do I feel so shit about the fact that I need medication to stay alive? Sick and tired of taking medication. Its literally keeping my head above water. I take 375mg of Venlafexine every morning, and that's the highest dose it goes upto, and then I take 15mg of Olanzopine about 7pm every night. Sick of taking my medication. Its numbed me. Some days i feel like coming off it all just so I can feel something, but then im scared ill kill myself without it. Ive been medicated since I can remember. It was always a low dose that never really helped and then my dad died and my depression got worse and the medication dose went up. I remember going to my doctor, breaking my heart, telling him I was going to kill myself. I remember saying this isn't a low mood, something is wrong with me and it was then that I was referred to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist put me on Olanzopine and it really helped me. I said to ...

Wasn't going go the cafe this morning. I watched Jesse go in and headed off the school grounds. Saw my friend and she said was I going the craft group that's on this morning. Long story short, I left the school at half 10. We made Christmas cards to sell at the Christmas fare. Actually enjoyed it. Jasper came home at lunch time and spent the afternoon with me, which was nice. Then this evening ive been to see 2 of my friends for a catch up. Really pushed myself today. I feel drained from faking my smile all day. Its hard work trying to act like youre ok. When I was with my friends this evening, they were talking about who they're dating etc and I just sat there thinking to myself, am I going to be alone forever? Ive got no interest in meeting anyone. I'm too tired, mentally. Haven't got the small talk in me. I barely talk as it is. Ive got nothing to say anymore. Feel like ive given up on life, if im honest. Don't feel like I fit in anywhere. I'm so lost. I ...

Was meant to be meeting up with a few friends today, but i really dont feel like it. So ive cancelled. Ive forced myself to shower and wash my hair, can't remember the last time I washed my hair. Think it was a week ago. Keep thinking of going short with it, im really contemplating it. Ive dried it and run the straighteners through it. I fucking hate my hair! I hate me. I hate everything about myself. I couldnt tell you one thing i like about myself. How sad is that? I think about my father and son everyday, is this normal? I feel like im losing my mind. Its all day, everyday. They're always on my mind. Its killing me. Grief is killing me. Why am I isolating myself? I know im doing it, but why am I doing it? Telling my friends i won't be meeting them. I'm fully aware that im doing it, i just dont know why. I just sit in this house staring at my sons ashes on the fire place. I go bed and see my dad's ashes. I know in my heart its not healthy, but what am I suppose to...