Cancer, Depression and Me.

Got up this morning and went to Church. My friend Rachael came with me today which was really nice. When im in Church, i know its where im meant to be. Can't describe the feeling i get, but it fills me with so much peace. My mind is peaceful whilst I listen to the sermon. I love singing worship songs. It just makes me happy being there. Ive been going to church since my dad passed away, so nearly 5 years now. I dont go every week because some Sundays I dont want to get out of bed early, but im always happy when I go. Rachael doesnt have a Bible and its her birthday in 2 weeks so that's what im getting her for her birthday. Ive seen a lovely pink Bible im buying. A lady at Church brought me my first Bible. It was a lovely gift to receive. We went back Rachaels after church for an hour or so and im back home now, straight in my pjs. I love being in my pjs. I was telling Rachael how I was worried about getting through the 6 week holidays and how much its helped me seeing my friend...

Happy birthday to my Jensen. Hes the most thoughtful, kind and caring person. Hes currently on holiday, living his best life. I'm so proud of him. I love my boys so much. Him and Jay-Dee are both 22 now until Jay-Dee turns 23 on the 30th of September. Both born on the 30th. My Irish twins. Ive prayed this morning for strength, I need strength to keep going. I prayed that my dad and son are both ok. I prayed that ill get better mentally.  I'm not sure how ive made it this far in life. Prayer helps. I was thinking earlier about how its been over a year since I lost my child, and its hard to believe. I ask myself how im making it through each day and i honestly dont know. Where is my strength coming from? I thought about waiting until my boys are a bit older, then ill kill myself. I can't keep living the way I am. Somethings got to give. I dont want to live to an old age feeling the way I feel. How on earth do you carry on living after the loss of a child? It's torture. In...

Didn't do anything at all yesterday. It was a shitty day. Mental health was shit, I didn't even blog. Just spent the day on my own trapped in my own head. I keep waiting for something good to happen, but it never does. Jesse goes back to school Tuesday and I can honestly say, I can not wait. Back to a routine. Thank God. Jensen is 22 years old tomorrow, he'd usually be the same age as Jay-Dee for all of September with them being born in the same year. Jay-Dee will be 23 the end of September, but forever 21. Just typing that, my heart sank. Feels like a heavy weight inside of me. Grief is heavy.  Had my brother here all day today so its not been too bad. He went about an hour ago and now im sat on my own over thinking. Why my dad and son? Life is so unfair. Can't put into words how much i miss them both, but you could probably imagine. I'd give anything to see them both again. It hurts even more knowing ill never see them again. Why did God choose me to fight so many...

Just got home from spending a few hours at Rachaels house. We chat like we've not had our hearts broken. We laugh and have good conversations. Does me the world of good seeing my friend's. Before I went Rachaels, I was sat looking at a tiktok i made of Jay-Dee, it was a photo of him with the music Forever Young playing in the background. My heart was heavy and I had to stop myself from crying. Then i went to see Rach and it all went away, if only for the few hours I was with her, I felt some what normal. So blessed to have the friends I have. I only have a handful of good friends and im grateful. How am I feeling now im back home? Sad again. Sat on my own filled with grief. My sons ashes are on my fire for me to see everyday, and my dad's ashes are in my bedroom, which i see every night. Ever likely im mentally unwell. And no, im not scattering their ashes. I couldn't, I wouldn't. I'll have them with me until I die. I'm hoping as the years go on, their death...

I see glimpses of Jay-Dee in Jasper some times and it makes me smile that he's living on through his brothers. My heart feels heavy just now. Ive been to see a couple of my friends, which was nice. When we meet up it takes my mind of the sadness it carries with it daily. My mind is occupied, just for a couple of hours. I'm still the grieving mum and the grieving daughter, but I feel a bit more human when im with my friends. I'm blessed to have such a loving, supportive group of friends. I'll be honest, I'm not sure how or if im ever going to get better and that scares me. I'm frightened that im going to be lost forever, forced to live a life that I hate whilst feeling the way I do. Its cruel making me live this way. I'm having a bad day aren't I? Yep. Not really sure what else to say. All I ever want to talk about is my dad and my son,  but people dont want to hear that everyday. Jay-Dee and my dad were my whole world. My first born son. My loving father...

Jesse didn't want to come my mums with me today whilst I got my hair done, so I left him at home with Jasper. So anyway, its a big thing for me to leave the house alone, but I got ready and I walked to 2 shops by myself and then got a taxi to my mums. Leaving the house on my own and walking to the shops when I have really bad anxiety is a big deal for me. My hair is finally all done. Ive got a before and after photo. The after photo is wet hair so it'll be even lighter when its dried off. My head feels so tender from having it bleached. Its been that long since I last had it done, probably why my head is tender. I did my mums hair whilst I was there so she has no roots now too. We both let ourselves go over the holidays I think. Its amazing how much better I feel now my hair has been done.  I'm not feeling to bad today, mentally speaking. Wish my dad and son were here, but they're not, and I've got to live with it. Its hard you know, living is hard work. Not sure wh...

Went out for food last night, I had a sizzler mixed grill. Oh god it was bloody lovely. Had nachos for a starter and ice cream for desert but couldn't eat that. Was so nice to get out with the girls for a few hours. Did me good. Ive spent the day alone today, in my pjs watching The Resident on Netflix. My mind goes on overdrive when im sat on my own. Ive been thinking of how Cancer stole my dad from me, literally starved him to death over a period of 19 months. Watching a 15 stone man turn into a skeleton. I was thinking about my son taking the recreational drugs and killing himself. I'm over thinking everything today. How do you live a life when you're filled with grief? How do I live with grief? I'm trying to live, I really am. Every single day I think about my father and son, and every day its hits me hard that they're gone forever.. I'll feel better tomorrow when ive been and had my hair done. Can't wait show you a before and after of my roots. They'...