Cancer, Depression and Me.

I feel so depressed and drained. I know it's because my sons anniversary of his death is fast approaching and I'm dreading it. I watched the video of photo clips from Jay-Dees funeral last night that has his funeral song playing in the background and my heart sank into my stomach.  I ask myself why everyday. I also ask myself how I've made it through each day. I feel like my days are repetitive and they are just drifting into one day. I feel like it was only yesterday that I lost my first born child. God the days are hard work. People tell me I'm strong, but they don't realise how hard everyday is. I don't feel strong. I'm ready give up. How much longer do I have to live like this? I'm still grieving my father's death 4 and a half years on and it still kills me inside. I just wish I was dead.. Finding the will to live every morning when I open my eyes is hard work. I wouldn't wish grief on anyone, it's mentally and physically draining. How ha...

I've spent the morning painting Jesse's bedroom. It was finally time. It was Jay-Dees bedroom so it wasn't an easy thing to do. It was hard enough moving Jesse into there, but he was sharing a room with me. I've put Jay-Dees canvas back up and it will always stay there. Its a canvas of a film called 'Everything Everywhere All At Once'. It was Jay-Dees favourite movie. He said it changed the way he looked at life. I've watched the film and its a crazy way of thinking. Jesse chose yellow for his room, so yellow is what I brought. I've done 2 coats on 2 walls. I hate decorating with a passion, but I needed to make a start. I've done some washing and pegged it all out on the line. Its warm and windy so it'll dry in no time. I didn't do alot yesterday, my mate came for a few hours but that's it. Jasper is coming to sleep tonight, he doesn't usually sleep through the week, just a Saturday, but it's half term so I don't mind.  I'...

Had my 13th driving lesson this morning, was able to take Jesse with me. My driving instructor had a booster seat. It went well, i did hit a curb but it still went well. Stalled it twice but that's fine haha. Not long got home from my CT scan, don't know what they put into you but it made my whole body red hot. Such a weird feeling, I could taste metal as it run through my veins. So now I have the agonising wait for the results. I've prayed my cancer isn't back and there's nothing else I can do. Its out of my hands now. Everything will be fine, we'll, that's what I'm telling myself. Can you imagine if my cancer is back? Surely not, one person can only have a certain amount of bad luck, surely to God. I think cancer may just kill me off mentally. It doesn't bare thinking about does it?  Anyway, I'm home now and into my pj's. Jasper's here, he comes everyday, but he came earlier today to have Jesse whilst I went the hospital. So anyway I...

Had the best day yesterday, i went to my friends daughters baptism and it was a lovely service. I didn't go the pub after for drinks, I didn't feel ready to be in a pub. I'm ok going somewhere that does food with a play area for Jesse, but I'm not ready for a proper pub. After the service I went for dinner with Jensen and Jesse which was lovely, I just love being with my boys. My friend came around yesterday evening for a few hours and Jasper came around to spend the night again. I was busy all day and it did me the world of good. In a week's time it will be a year for Jay-Dee. I was telling Jasper yesterday that it feels like it happened just yesterday and he said the same. He said he's stuck on the day it happened and the world just keeps moving. That's exactly how I feel. I talk to Jasper loads, he's like my best friend. Well all my boys are my best friends, but I find it easy to tell Jasper my problems. He listens and understands. He said he's su...

I've felt ok the past few days, but that's because I've had stuff to do. Yesterday I went out for dinner with Tom and his daughter and I took Jesse-John. Then in the afternoon I had a bust of energy so I got my cleaning head on and blitzed the house. Don't know where my energy came from but I used it wisely and cleaned my house. I cleaned all my fire and Jay-Dees urn. His urn sits on my fire place so he's with me everyday. I talk to my dad and Jay-Dee everyday in the hopes that they hear me. I believe they hear me. My brothers been visit today for a few hours because it's his birthday. He's 39 today. He does alot for me, he knows how bad my anxiety is so sometimes I don't leave the house, he gets my medication every month for me. He's like my best friend. He always makes me laugh even when I'm sad. Tomorrow ill be going church, but a different church. I'll be going St Mary's tomorrow because my friends daughter is being baptised. I've...

I've felt better yesterday and today. My friend came last night for a few hours which cheered me up. Today hasn't been to bad because my brother came down for the day after he finished work. He starts work at stupid o clock in the morning and then he's done by dinner time, so he's happy. I'm meeting Tom tomorrow for food too so that'll be nice. I feel like I need to be doing something to keep my mind occupied.  My friends know I'm struggling and I'm so thankful for them all that get me through each day. Jesse broke up today for half term and its given out rain all next week, how fucking typical. I know it's the evening, but I've just pegged a load of washing out in the hopes it doesn't rain over night. I brought a bottle of whiskey a few days ago for my brother, for his birthday and it didn't bother me one bit. I thought it would make me want a drink but it didn't. I'm 3 and a half years sober, it's crazy to think I've gon...

I'm still feeling low. I've spent the day under my blanket on the settee. Tired of doing life, from the bottom of my heart I am tired. I get a good 8-9 hours sleep a night (because I'm medicated) but I'm still tired through the day. I feel drained. I'm submerged in water with just my head staying afloat. That's how I feel. I'm riddled with grief. My body is tired. Tired of fighting everyday to stay alive. The only comfort I get is when I climb into bed at night. I love being asleep. Its my escape from this shitty world we live in. I try so hard everyday to survive, but it drains you. I'm so depressed i hate it. I hate my life. I hate being alive. Today I wish I was dead. I need something good to happen before I end up giving up on life.  That's it for today.