Posts

April 29th Tuesday.

Just had my 11th driving lesson. I thought I'd forget everything I've learnt with not having a lesson over half term, but I didn't, it went well. I've decided have a lesson a fortnight from now on instead of weekly because it's £40 a lesson and I just can't afford it weekly. It'll take me longer to pass but that's ok.  We're nearly in May, and June 2nd is literally around the corner. June 2nd the day my world went dark, my son passed away. I'm dreading it. How has a year nearly gone by so fast? How have I made it through each day since my son tragically passed away? I've said it before, but I honestly believe Olanzopine saved my life! It's a shame i have to rely on medication just to get through each day, not alot I can do about it is there. Just got to keep taking my meds morning and night and just hope i get better. I've not mentioned it for a while, but I still think about dying most days. If I was dead I wouldn't have to deal ...

April 28th Monday.

Since Jay-Dees death, i tell the kids i love them alot more. I've always told them I love them, just not as much as I do now. If they leave the house, we tell each other we love each other, if we're ending a phone call, we tell each other that we love one another. I tell them any chance I get. You never know when your time is up. I could leave the house one day and it could be my last day. Death became so much more real since losing my dad and son. I'm scared I'll lose another son, I know it's normal after losing Jay-Dee. I worry more, I mother them more. Jay-Dees death hit us all so hard. It wasn't expected. I never thought I'd ever lose a child. I'm so glad I text Jay-Dee on his way to Liverpool and told him I loved him in the message. I wish I'd of said it in person, but he knew how much I loved him. He was a mummy's boy. They're all mummy's boys, I bend over backwards for my children. I would give my life to save my children. The love...

April 27th Sunday.

I dreamt about my dad again last night, I was sat at the top of the stairs and I watched him walk up the stairs, it felt so real and then I woke up and it hit me again that my dad is dead.. I think about my dad and son every single day, not a day goes by where they're not on my mind. Some days it consumes me and its all I think about. Like now I'm sat on my own thinking of them, wishing they were still here with me. My heart is broken. Each day I live is a day closer to my death and I honestly can't wait to die. Sad isn't it, but that's the reality of my life. Waiting to die. I'm not living, I'm simply just surviving. I try to do things each day to take my mind off things, but even then, in the back of my mind I still think about my dad and my son. Life will be this way until I see them again. Why hasn't my son visited me in my dreams yet? I'm desperate to see him!  I didn't go church today, i decided to sleep in. Gutted I didn't get up and g...

April 25th Friday.

Had such a good day yesterday,  in the morning i met my friend Tom for breakfast at a cafe and took Jesse-John with me, then in the afternoon Rachael and Ange came to visit for a few hours. When I'm doing stuff and seeing people it does me the world of good. Its when I'm sat at home alone that my mind goes on overdrive. I dreamt about my dad last night, I can't remember the dream, but I remember him being there. I still haven't dreamt about my son. I wish I would because I miss him so much. I've got my brother coming in an hour for the day, so I'll be ok today. I'm just doing a wash so I can peg it out on the line. The sun is shining.  My diets been terrible this week with going out to places and having food. I really shouldn't of had desert the other day but I did. Yesterday I ate loads of chocolate and today I'm covered in spots. I'm giving up chocolate, well I'm going to try and give it up. I made a home made cottage pie yesterday for tea,...

April 23rd Wednesday.

I feel better today, better than i did yesterday. I've been out with my boys for food and Jesse went in the wacky warehouse. His friends from school were there too so he's loved it. I love doing things with my boys. On the way home we drove past a car and I glanced at the driver and I saw Jay-Dees face. It was weird. I remember after my Dad died, I kept seeing his face on other people's bodies. I know that was Jay-Dee showing me he's still around me. Have you ever done that? Glanced at someone and saw a face you know? Weird. Every time I go out with the boys I find myself thinking about Jay-Dee even more than usual. I think it's because he's meant to be with us and I miss him so much. I know he's in heaven with my dad, I can't wait to see them both again. You watch me not die until I'm old, that would be just my luck! I'm meeting my friend Tom tomorrow at a cafe with Jesse and his daughter Penny. I'm looking forward to it. I've done quite...

April 22nd Tuesday.

Been to Inflato today, with my mum and all the kids. I say all, there was 4 kids. But anyway, we met at Inflato and the kids all had fun. Couldn't be bothered to talk today, have you ever had days where you just don't want to talk? I have them days alot. Today was one of those days, if i hadn't of already booked it and paid online, i probably would of cancelled. Plus i push myself to do things for Jesse. Its not fair on him being stuck in doors just because I don't want to leave the house. So I got up and got dressed for the day. Was only out the house a couple of hours but it did me good. My mum was trying to make conversations, but I only had one word answers. I just didn't have the energy to smile and talk. Its 7pm and all I want to do is climb into bed and go sleep. I'm depressed but I act like I'm not. I put a front on, when inside I'm dead. I don't know how I do it. I wake up everyday and act like I'm ok, but I'm not. I try and do all t...

April 21st Monday.

4 years ago on this date, I was told I had cervical cancer. My whole world came crashing down. 5 months after losing my dad, I was told I had cancer too. As soon as you hear the words 'your have cancer' you automatically assume you're going to die. I cried my eyes out. I was devastated.  You can't understand how it feels to hear them words unless you've been through it. Its devastating. My cancer was caught early because I went for my smears on time. If I hadn't of been for my smear, I would probably be dead already. Please ladies, make sure you go for your cervical screening. Its so important and can save your life.  My life seems like a series of unfortunate events, my dad passed away, I get told i have cancer, then my son dies. Its tragic. I had surgery to remove my cancer, but they had to do a full hysterectomy and they took 19 lymph nodes to see if my cancer had spread. Luckily it hadn't spread or I wouldn't be here today to tell you about it. I had...