April 27th Sunday.

I dreamt about my dad again last night, I was sat at the top of the stairs and I watched him walk up the stairs, it felt so real and then I woke up and it hit me again that my dad is dead..

I think about my dad and son every single day, not a day goes by where they're not on my mind. Some days it consumes me and its all I think about. Like now I'm sat on my own thinking of them, wishing they were still here with me. My heart is broken.

Each day I live is a day closer to my death and I honestly can't wait to die. Sad isn't it, but that's the reality of my life.

Waiting to die.

I'm not living, I'm simply just surviving. I try to do things each day to take my mind off things, but even then, in the back of my mind I still think about my dad and my son.

Life will be this way until I see them again.

Why hasn't my son visited me in my dreams yet? I'm desperate to see him! 

I didn't go church today, i decided to sleep in. Gutted I didn't get up and go but I was tired. Jesse's gone with Damian and I'm going to visit my friends for an hour or so.

I'm trying my best to live this life I've been given but some days are harder than others days.

Back to the school run tomorrow, half term has gone so fast. No more lie ins, back to the 7am alarm. I've loved having Jesse off school. He's a good boy. I've tried my best to do as much as I can with him whilst he's been off. Its hard to do things some days because my anxiety eats away at me.

I'd love to book a holiday but I'm scared I wouldn't go through with it due to my anxiety. What am I scared of? There's nothing to be scared of, yet my body disagrees. 

Having depression, grief and anxiety oh and my EUPD is a fucking nightmare!! I hate my life. How am I meant to get better? I guess I've just got to keep trying my best with life and hope it starts to get better. 

41 years of age and I'm crippled with anxiety. What a life! 

I'm nervous about doing the school run tomorrow. Why am I nervous? It's ridiculous, I've been going that school for years and years. All of my boys have attended that school and now I'm nervous to go in the morning. Honestly I can't seem to catch a break with life. 

Anyway, I've moaned about my life enough for today. Enjoy the rest of your Sunday.