April 22nd Tuesday.

Been to Inflato today, with my mum and all the kids. I say all, there was 4 kids. But anyway, we met at Inflato and the kids all had fun. Couldn't be bothered to talk today, have you ever had days where you just don't want to talk? I have them days alot. Today was one of those days, if i hadn't of already booked it and paid online, i probably would of cancelled. Plus i push myself to do things for Jesse. Its not fair on him being stuck in doors just because I don't want to leave the house. So I got up and got dressed for the day. Was only out the house a couple of hours but it did me good. My mum was trying to make conversations, but I only had one word answers. I just didn't have the energy to smile and talk. Its 7pm and all I want to do is climb into bed and go sleep. I'm depressed but I act like I'm not. I put a front on, when inside I'm dead. I don't know how I do it. I wake up everyday and act like I'm ok, but I'm not. I try and do all these activities for Jesse, when inside all I want to do is lay down in bed and slowly die, so I can sleep forever. Being asleep is so peaceful for the mind. I don't have to think when I'm asleep. 

I wake up everyday and look forward to going back to sleep so I can escape my own thoughts.

Tomorrow I'm going out for food with my 3 boys. Makes me sad that Jay-Dee won't be coming with us. I need to snap out of this depressing mood I'm in. I think it's just one of those days.

A friend posted on Facebook today that it's been a year since he's lost his mum. I sat there and thought to myself, how has that been a year? It only happened a few months back. It actually hit me that my days are a blur. How has a year gone that fast, I don't understand. Its like I'm just drifting through each day. I'm not thriving, I'm simply just surviving. In 2 months it will be a year since Jay-Dee passed away. I don't understand how I've made it through the last 10 months, once again, how has it been nearly a year? Am I blacking out? I don't remember the last 10 months. I honestly don't know how i get through each day. 

Prayer gets me through alot, I prayed for my anxiety to go before my baptism and it worked. I stepped into church and it was fine. So I'm a big believer in prayer. Its gotten me through some real dark days.

You know what, I'm so glad I found my faith 4 years ago. When I first started going to church all them years ago, I wasn't eating, I had really bad insomnia, I cried all through out the day and night and I look at myself now and I can see how much more stronger I've become. I know I'm heavily medicated but I also believe that faith has also had a huge part in my survival. Oh and my psychiatrist haha, but seriously, I've come so far and I'm still going and getting stronger and for that, I say Amen 🙏🏼