Cancer, Depression and Me.

My baptism is tomorrow and I'm so nervous. Why, i don't know, but i am. I'm going to do it though, I'll push myself. Anxiety is a bitch.  I'm also excited to become apart of my church family, I know i already am, but you know what i mean. Being baptised will wash away my sins and bring me closer to God and I can't wait. Had my brother down for the day yesterday, like every Friday. It was a nice day. Today I've been Asda and that's it. I've just been sat thinking about Jay-Dee and my dad. They're on my mind everyday. Not a day goes by where I don't think of them both. Why did my baby have to kill himself? Why did cancer take my fathers life? So many questions and zero answers! It hits me daily that they are gone and it doesn't get any easier. I miss them so much. Jasper will be around soon for his sleep over, can't wait to see him. I'll be having an early night tonight so I can get up early and get ready for my baptism. How excitin...

Went Asda this morning and brought my mum a bunch of flowers. She was so happy and it warmed my heart to see her smile. She's done my roots, I have bleach then a toner. I came home with my toner on and just rinsed it off. My hair looks so much better now my roots have gone. On my way home in a taxi and my mind started to drift off. I was thinking about my dad and my son, still can't believe they're not here with me. It hurts my heart. I struggle some days with the fact that they're gone. It's like i don't want to believe it. Its hard to comprehend. Life's cruel isn't it? Was lovely spend a few hours with my mum even if it was to get my hair done. Said to my mum, I'm tempted shave it all off. I've got a love hate relationship with my hair. I love it when it's all done and looks nice, but I hate doing it. Jesse's decided he wants a subway for tea so that's what we're having. I'll just have a salad though because I'm dieting....

Last night I was getting plates out to plate tea up and I started with Jay-Dees name then Jensens and had to stop myself when it hit me again that Jay-Dee is no longer here. My heart sank all over again. 2 of my friends visited me last night so that took my mind off things, then this morning I found myself watching mini video clips of Jay-Dee. Then my heart sank, once again. My friend has been here all afternoon which once again took my mind off things. I'm so lucky to have friends like mine. I wouldn't get through each day without them.  I was telling my friend today how I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for my living children.  They are my reason to live. I'm going my mums for the day tomorrow and she's going do my hair ready for my baptism Sunday. I'm so nervous it's come around so fast. Bit excited too. Anxiety is telling me to cancel it, but strong me is going to go through with it. I've got Jasper here for the night which is nice. I've got hi...

I didn't go church yesterday but I wish I had. I chose a lie in.  My friend Rachael came across for a few hours, I spent the day in my pj's. You know you're long time friends when you don't have to get dressed to see each other. Rachael and i have known each other since primary school, we grew up together. She's on dating sites and going on dates and I keep thinking about joining but something is stopping me and I don't know what it is. I just keep thinking I'm too mentally unwell to be dating, but the night times get lonely some times. I'll join one day I'm sure, just not yet. I've just had a bath and washed my hair. I'm getting my roots done Thursday ready for my baptism Sunday. It's coming around so fast. I'm meeting my sister tomorrow to take all the kids Inflato, so that'll be nice. Not seen my sister for ages.  I've got no plans for today so I've gotten into fresh pj's after my bath. Whilst lying in the bath I ha...

Had THE best day with my sons in Manchester. I needed today. A full day with my 3 boys. It's what I live for, days like today give me hope. I need to fight my bad days because of days like today. I love my boys with all that I am. I've thought about Jay-Dee throughout the day, I've mentioned his name a couple of times in conversation. We go abit quiet when anyone mentions his name, but then we carry on and try to be normal. What ever normal is. We just try to live our lives the best we can. Jay-Dee will always be remembered, I will always talk about my child until the day I'm reunited with him again. I think about my dad every day, I don't think I'll ever get over the death of my father and son, but I'll try to live this life I've been given. I will always fight them dark days for my children that are still here with me. In the taxi on the way home we drove past a multi story car park, I hate driving passed it since my son died because he jumped from a m...

So it's nearly 6pm and I've eaten nothing all day. I woke up this morning and felt like I was going throw up, but I didn't. Thank god.  I should lose some serious weight on this injection, I'm excited. I've got about 5 stone to lose though, I'm massive. Well I feel massive. Took Jesse school today and met my friends in the cafe for our usual catch up and cups of tea. I love seeing them. Only one week until my baptism, I'm so nervous, but also excited to feel closer to God. Church has gotten me through some hard days, I'm so thankful that I found my faith. Prayer gets me through dark days too. My brother came this morning and has not long gone home. So today has been a better day. Thank you Jesus. I take a lot of medication just to get me through each day, it's depressing that I have morning meds and night time meds, but I clearly need them so I'll carry on. I've just had a bath and got my pj's on. Jasper and Jensen are going the gym soon ...

So I had my first injection of Mounjaro yesterday and its now 2pm and I've not eaten a thing. I've got no appetite. It's brilliant. I've had no side effects as of yet, which is good news. Hopefully I'll start to lose some weight. I'm going to have some tea because I don't want to starve myself, but now I'll he able cut all the crap out I was eating. Power on Netflix is really good, I'm on season 2 now. Not taken Jesse school today as he said he was awake through the night with stomach ache, but now he's fine the little sod so he'll be going school tomorrow.  Jensen mentioned us getting the train Manchester Saturday so he doesn't have to drive. Can't wait have a day out with my boys, it's just gutting that Jay-Dee is no longer with us. I was thinking about Jay-Dee earlier, I was thinking about the fact that he got his hair cut before he went that rave. Why would you get your hair cut if you were going to kill yourself? You wouldn...