April 12th Saturday.

Had THE best day with my sons in Manchester. I needed today. A full day with my 3 boys. It's what I live for, days like today give me hope. I need to fight my bad days because of days like today. I love my boys with all that I am. I've thought about Jay-Dee throughout the day, I've mentioned his name a couple of times in conversation. We go abit quiet when anyone mentions his name, but then we carry on and try to be normal. What ever normal is. We just try to live our lives the best we can. Jay-Dee will always be remembered, I will always talk about my child until the day I'm reunited with him again. I think about my dad every day, I don't think I'll ever get over the death of my father and son, but I'll try to live this life I've been given. I will always fight them dark days for my children that are still here with me. In the taxi on the way home we drove past a multi story car park, I hate driving passed it since my son died because he jumped from a multi story car park at 5.30am and every time I drive past I have visions on my son falling to his death, because of the coroners report, I had to read about his injuries and I can piece together the details of his death and it's torture. I had to see his injuries when I saw him in the Chapel Of Rest and that vision haunts me.

There's always going to be something that reminds me of my son, I've just got to try and cope with it. Its hard you know, dealing with grief and depression is hard work. It drains you. 

I'm so thankful for days like today.

Today I smiled, not a fake smile I usually wear, but I've actually smiled.

Anyway, we went for Mexican food today. My first time eating Mexican and I loved it. We also had warm cinnamon rolls at a place called Cinnobun, was so nice. They're the only things I've eaten today so my diet is going good. My feet are killing me, we've done alot of walking today. Wish I'd of worn my watch to see how many steps I've done. I've got my pj's on now and I'm going carry on watching Power. My son Jasper treated me to a big Yankee candle today that smells like fabric conditioner. We've got it lit now and it smells amazing. I love the smell of fabric conditioner. He's the sweetest boy, he's 17 in June and he's looking for a job until he goes back college and he said when he gets a job he'll be able treat me more. Bless his heart. My boys are well mannered, polite boys and I couldn't be prouder of them. Jesse was so well behaved too, I'm just a proud mum.

Anyway, I'm going watch Power, hope you've had a lovely Saturday.