Cancer, Depression and Me.

Wow, 820 days sober. It's crazy because these past few days all I've thought about is alcohol! I could just drink a Jack Daniels & diet coke, I can taste it as I write this blog but what I have to keep in mind is how depressed and destructive alcohol made me. I mean, I'm still depressed, but I can handle my depression better whilst I'm sober. Over 2 years sober and I still crave alcohol. I think sobriety is something I'll have to battle with for the rest of my life but my main goal is to stay sober!! I can do this. Anyway, it's Easter today and my diet has gone out the window. I'll start a fresh tomorrow.  Happy Easter 🐰 🐣 💓 

2020 my dad died of cancer aged 55 years 2021 I had cancer 2022 the year I went sober I'm still sober and I'm still alive How, I don't know. I still don't know how I make it through each day. My will to live comes from my children. I just couldn't bare my children morning over my death like I am the death of my father. Do you ever really heal when you lose a parent. My whole life turned upside down and the only positive that has come from my father's passing , is me getting sober. If you're on this sober journey too, a massive well done because I know first hand that it isn't easy. I've been sober over 2 years and I still crave alcohol, I just don't give into temptation.  I've become so numb to life, my days just roll into one. I'm not thriving, I'm simply just surviving.

I've just come across my dad's bandana, my first instinct was to smell it and it smells just like dad did. I've broke my heart, I've been doing so well and it all just hit me all over again that my best friend, my father is dead. 3 and a half years on and I still can't deal with the death of my father. I miss him so much it hurts, he was my best friend.  He was only 55 years old. I can't help but think of how I wanted to grow old with him, if he could see my children he would of been so proud. I miss everything about him. Tonight I go to sleep with tears in my eyes and an empty heart...

I was diagnosed with having PTSD today, i've got to have Trauma Therapy.  PTSD because over 3 years on and i still can't process the death of my 55 year old father. He was only 55... How do you get over the death of a parent? You don't. I will never get over the death of my father.

I know my dad wouldn't want me living like I do, he would want me to continue life & I'm really trying to do that but, I'm plagued with grief.. I'm not only grieving my dad's death, I'm grieving my future without him, I'm grieving for my children missing out on having my dad in their life. My dad was an amazing man and I don't think I will ever truly come to terms with his death.

Ive coome to realise, im numb to everything around me. Its like I dont have a care in the world. I mean the only things I care about are my children, other than them, im done with this life. I wonder if we do come back in another life? I hope we dont.. You know, losing my father has had a bigger impact on my life than I realise. It has destroyed me as a person, I dont know who I am without my dad. How do I find me?? Im on a healing journey, ive accepted the fact thatll ill never be truly happy again, I will never get over my fathers death. I use to be so loud and out going and now I dont like speaking to anyone. Im a shell of a person. I hope one day im blogging about how happy I am....

You know, I was 40 last month and I didn't even receive a card off my mum. It's playing on my mind. It doesn't usually bother me but I thought with my dad not being alive and I was turning 40.. oh well. Anyway, I started taking Lions Mane capsules, they're meant to help with depression. So anyway I've been taking them about a week.. how do I feel? Just numb all the time. I'll let you know if there's even a slight mood enhancement.