Cancer, Depression and Me.

 Well, I am not usually stuck for words, but I don't really know how to describe my own book. Firstly, wow. If I had to pick a word, it would be 'deep'. Secondly, omg, well done to me for coming so far from such a very dark lonely place. Now I have read what I have written, I can see the changes in me that I have made and to say I am proud of myself would be an understatement, I can see how far I have come. Don't get me wrong, I still have dark days but now I'm getting myself out of them. For example, this morning I broke my heart, I said things to myself that I am thankful for, I then told myself I am allowed to be sad but don't stay there for too long. I then wiped my eyes and carried on with my day. I sat on the sofa earlier and looked at my dad's canvas on the wall, I went sad because I miss him so much, but being sad won't bring him back so I snapped out of it and wore my famous fake smile. I have become so consumed by grief, that I forgot to be tha

 So, today I decided to face one of my demons (yes, there's a few) but one of them is not being able to read back anything I have written. You're probably thinking, well you would have had to read them back to type them up for the paperback, you'd think that wouldn't you, but nope. Somehow, I managed to just type but not focus, if that makes sense. They were just words; I didn't read into them. So, I am going to read my own paperback, pop back on here and give my own review, on my own book. Back soon xxx

 I have realised how strong I actually am, I have dealt with so much and I have been knocked down over and over, but every single time I get back on my feet and I carry on regardless of how most days I want to die. I can't tell you how often I have to battle with intrusive thoughts, but I do it every day unknowingly. I silently win these battles without knowing, now I'm sat reflecting on things, thinking, damn girl you really are still here fighting for life!! That day when I collected my dad's ashes, and it was nearly game over for me after taking prescription sleeping tablets, that day, was the day I was reborn. I am now a Christian and I believe I was guided down this path of sobriety I am on because my dad can see up there how my life had hit rock bottom. It wasn't my time to go, and I I'm not only needed for my children but I'm on a journey of finding myself sober. The true Ann-Louise, not the Ann-Louise that has hidden herself behind alcohol since her earl

 Didn't read anything about season 3, I'm on episode 9 and it hits hard watching a Cervical Cancer story line after having it myself last year. Made me feel so thankful that mine was found early enough, mine was 1b something, maybe 1b1, I don't know, I can't remember. Weird how your brain can block out something so important but mine has managed to block out the whole of 2021. I get flash backs now and then of things, like watching this, I can relate to it all, not just my cancer but going through dads with him too. It's hard and like I've said before every day is a battle to survive, at the moment, on this day as my youngest son would say, on this day, I am indeed doing ok. I make jokes about having cancer, guess I've got a dark sense of humour but it's the only way I guess I can cope with having cancer. People deal with it in different ways, one thing I can say is this, 'Cancer didn't kill me so I'll be damned if depression will'.

  Hate the way I look but trying my best love myself. How can I expect love from others when I don't even love myself?  I hate life right now but at the same time I'm so thankful for everyday depression doesn't beat me. It's hard being me, it's a hard life, the past few years have been harder than ever. Thinking back, my whole life has been a struggle to survive, why couldn't I have been born happy.  There's always been an issue with my mental health, and I never got the help I needed when younger which is why, my mental health has depleted. Now every day is a battle to stay alive. I don't feel like life today but now I'm stronger, I can deal with these days. It's the days that I feel really low that are a struggle, I have to tell myself over and over that I do have better days and that is how I get through them. This issue I have with my appearance has also been an issue all my life, last year (2021) I went the biggest I have ever been in my lif

 I HATE wrapping Christmas presents; I hate it even more this year, without fail every year since my teens Christmas time means Baileys. As the years went on, Christmas time to started to become Baileys mixed with Jack Daniels. No, I'm not joking, then all year round it was Jack Daniels. This will be my first Christmas sober....... Without fail wrapping presents I would be drinking Baileys regardless of the time of day. My names Ann-Louise and I am 326 days sober today. Today is hard because I could literally right about now drink a Baileys on ice, but I won't. I'm not miserable because I'm not drinking, I'm just not happy about Christmas in general, without fail, I would see my dad every Christmas day so it's hard for me. Not drinking is so hard some days, the number of times my mind wonders thinking of a jd and coke, it's unfair really that drink became a massive part in my life, but it did and even though I wasn't drinking first thing in the morning,

 I'm probably going sound like I have lost my mind, thing is, I'm starting to think I actually have. So, how do I say this without sounding bat shit crazy?? A few months back, one night in bed, it was the night I started Olanzapine, I decided to put my earbuds in and listen to a podcast that relaxes the mind and body and opens Chakras. Swear down this is not a joke hahaha, anyway, after a few nights of opening my Chakras and slowly drifting off to sleep, I started seeing angel numbers. I kid you not..... Upon research, it says Angel Numbers are messages from my guardian angels, aka my dad. It's got to be right?? I think I am being guided by above down the right path in life and that going to Church was the right thing to do. Have I mentioned Church? If not, I go to Church now. Right place, right time. Anyway, side tracked again then, I feel I have been spiritually reborn. There I said it. Someone is sending my messages, or I have indeed lost my mind. I'm going to say, f