Cancer, Depression and Me.

So, I started going Church, roughly 6 months ago, since then I have become very spiritual.  I believe we are just are just a sole living in a vessel. We never die or should I say our sole never dies. ..because I believe this, I know my Dad still lives on.. This gives me comfort.  I'm not scared of death, I never have been. I'm a morbid person, I've always thought about death and always been curious.  The only thing I am scared about is leaving my 4 children behind. That scares the shit out of me! I was thinking about how far I've come over the past 2 years and I'm so proud of myself.  I wake up in the morning and I finally feel thankful, I can honestly say, if I hadn't been put on Olanzapine, I don't think I'd be here today. It has massively helped me, that along with finding God. My dad can see something up there that I couldn't see, I was guided and I still am being guided down the right path and I know it's my dad. You might think I've gon...

I'm starting to feel happier, the past few days have been alot better. I feel blessed to wake up another day. I've smiled and laughed. I'm still so terribly sad inside, but I'm also allowing myself to be happier. I have to believe that the end of each day, could indeed be my last, so I have to appreciate the day and everything that I have. Today I'm grateful I woke up, I'm grateful that my children are happy and healthy. I'm finally grateful that I am alive. I've started to say this as much as I can.. "I am beautiful, kind and caring" I'm focusing on the positive things in life, I can't turn back the clocks, I can't bring my dad back and he would not want me feeling the way I have since November 2020, I can't change what has already happened. I'm trying my damn best to stay alive.

Started to acknowledge my cancer as a punishment.  I did so much wrong in alcohol and I'm trying to make everything right now I am sober. Its February 2023 now (Valentines day), I've been sober since January 1st 2022, surely I've repented my sins? Is repent the right word? If I hadn't of lost my dad, if I hadn't of had cancer myself, I often wonder what mess I'd be in now, my drinking got so bad. My life was a complete mess and now I can actually say, I'm making all the wrong I ever did in life right. You know what, I cringe when I have flash backs of me in drink, but also, I'm hurt at how much I've had to deal with in my life. I've never been loved the way I'm desperate to be loved. The only person to truly love me was my dad. I'm still trying to figure out my place in life and who I am, I'll get there eventually.

I'm sad everyday, but it's been a good week since I've cried. I miss my dad so much, honestly, the pain inside kills me. My heart will never be complete, I will always have an emptiness without my dad being here. Heaven really needed him more than me?? I know for as long as I live, some days will be worse than others and today I feel empty and lost. 

I'm feeling strong today. I'm in control (for now).  Always sad but today I can deal with it better if that makes sense. I reminded myself that everything that keeps happening to me is all in God's plan and I just have to follow the path I'm on. The low days are to make me stronger, building me up for the future. I think so anyway.. I appreciate life alot more than I did, I don't wake up wishing I was dead, now I'm thankful i am alive, because my kids need me. I still ask myself why I'm still alive quite often but I just have to have faith that there is a reason. I'm sat wondering (it's a boring Sunday afternoon) is there anyone else in the world that feels as lonely as I do? Surely, I can't be the only person in the world that feels like this. I can have people around me but I'm still lonely. After, let's say half an hour, I start to dissociate from everything. This happens alot throughout the day, I drift off to nowhere. I go to the tho...

It's been a shit few days mentally, I've not bathed now for 3 days, I don't have the energy, today I have to force myself to freshen up because I'm going out for a meal tonight to celebrate a man's 12 month sobriety. It will do me the world of good to put on a bit of make up and make the effort but at the moment, as I type this, I really can not be bothered to leave the house. It's so easy to slip back into a Depressive state of mind and it's alot harder to bounce back each time. Life is so draining, the thought of evolution scares me. I'm scared of what lies ahead. I'm scared of change.  That'll be the anxiety, isn't life wonderful!!😭

I'm just not happy, today is not a good day. I should of known it was going to be bad as soon as I opened my eyes this morning. I feel emotionally drained. Carrying grief around is heavy, it drains the life out of you. I feel like everyone around me is happy and I am full of sadness all the time. Why can't I walk around looking sad, instead I wear a fake ass smile and to be honest I am sick of it!!! Heaven forbid I walk around looking all sad, people would soon have something say about my miserable face!! Do you know how hard it is to pretend to be happy? I feel like shouting 'fuck this shitty life' but I won't because I have children to look after. I have said it before and I will say it again, THE ONLY REASON I am still here is because of my children... I am so lonely.

Thought about my dad alot today, i'm sad inside. I'm not showing it, nobody would know, I hide mypain really well. I have this fake smile I parade everyday, regardless if i'm ok. I have gained a stone over the festive period, I have eaten what I want, the problem I have is the medication apparently make you gain weight, that is what my psychiatrist told me.. fantastic! Swear its one thing after another I have to battle with. I look at myself in the mirror and I hate what I see looking back. When did this happen :( When did I care about gaining weight? Why do I hate what I see looking back at me? I honestly disgust myself. My sweet tooth is so bad.

I've just been to church, I love going to church. I love the singing and I resignate with what is said weekly. Now I have God, I can get through the day, a dark thought comes into my head, I pray, I take time to think, I deal with it and I move on. I have come so far in the past 2 years, if you have followed my blog from the start, you probably already know that. A beautiful lady named Amanda, gifted me with a beautiful bible today that she had gone out of her way to buy for me. I told you, that church is filled with so much love it is unreal. I felt lost 5 or so months ago before I walked into church, now I feel like I have family. I know I already have family but I won't lie, none of them bother with me. My dad was my family. Now I have a new family, Gods family. A family where love is shown without even knowing you're showing it. Hope that makes sense. I was sat thinking about this blog. I bet my grammar is shocking but do I care? Nope, no I don't. This blog is a gat...

I think I am getting better. I know its the medication but I'm starting to feel better within. I'm so thankful that my psychiatrist finally heard me through the crying. I remember crying saying I need help before I kill myself and she heard me. Its not easy living with mental health problems. This sober journey I am on, also, is not easy. I started to work at my youngest sons school (lunch time) and its the best thing that could of happened because it really is doing me the world of good. I started the end of November 2022 and it is February 2023 now and i'm still there. Its only an hour a day but the routine is what I needed to get me out of this house. I didn't think I would get the job which made it easier to apply. I applied because I thought it will help with my mental health, I just didn't think I would get the job. My sons school (Kingsland C.E. Accademy) has been amazing, I can not thank them enough for helping me through a really dark place I was in. A few ...