Gods plan.

-
I think I am getting better. I know its the medication but I'm starting to feel better within. I'm so thankful that my psychiatrist finally heard me through the crying. I remember crying saying I need help before I kill myself and she heard me. Its not easy living with mental health problems. This sober journey I am on, also, is not easy. I started to work at my youngest sons school (lunch time) and its the best thing that could of happened because it really is doing me the world of good. I started the end of November 2022 and it is February 2023 now and i'm still there. Its only an hour a day but the routine is what I needed to get me out of this house. I didn't think I would get the job which made it easier to apply. I applied because I thought it will help with my mental health, I just didn't think I would get the job. My sons school (Kingsland C.E. Accademy) has been amazing, I can not thank them enough for helping me through a really dark place I was in. A few times I have broke down at school crying and the staff have helped me. It really is a wonderful school with loving staff. I'm still trying to come to terms with losing my dad, I don't think it will ever sit right with me. I can't see me ever being completely happy when a massive part of me is missing... ..But with the right medication to even me out, I could possibly live some sort of life. Hopefully. Think it was about October 2022 when I walked out of my house one day, and ended up in church (St Johns), the crazy thing is, I have bad anxiety, yet I left my house, alone, and walked into church.. come on, now if thats not God guiding me, then what was it????? The peace I feel inside when I walk into church is like nothing I have ever experienced before. The people that go to that church love. The really do love each other. It is a wonderful feeling. I too have broke down crying in church and the love I have felt is so warminig inside. God has a plan for me, i'm on the right path in life, I was guided to church that day and I just need to keep doing what I am doing and trust that everything will work out ok in the end. We'll be ok xxx

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

June 14th My Son Is Coming Home.

-
The coroner has rang today and the funeral home. My son will be getting collected from Liverpool, Monday morning. Which means I can hopefully see him Tuesday. Its Friday today. It will be over 2 weeks since I last saw my child. As a mother, my body is yearning to see my son. I just need to hold him and kiss him on his head. I feel sickness to the pit of my stomach, I'm dreading seeing my baby in a coffin, I'm dreading the funeral. This shouldn't be happening. His funeral will be July 1st at 12.15. I just feel numb. Im convinced its not my son and he'll just arrive home at some point.. I feel hollow with a sick feeling in my stomach. A few of my friends delivered me a beautiful canvas of my son this morning. What beautiful, thoughtful people I have in my life. I don't really know how I feel or what to say, I don't understand how I'm still alive. I'm lost...
Read more

June 3rd 2024 The Morning After.

-
The tears keep coming, I am absoloutely distrought. I feel like I have failed as a mother. I feel beyond heartbroken, I just want my boy home. Ive self harmed, ive not self harmed for over half a year, ive been trying so hard to get better and now im scared im going to kill myself. My 21 year old son took his own life yesterday morning. How as a mother do you deal with the death of a child? Where do you find the strenght to continue living when all you want to do is die? I cant leave my other 3 children behind but depression doesnt care if youve got children. Im worried that I will end up dead. The depression will become to hard to deal with and I will kill myself regardless of whether its the right thing to do or not. Im praying my dad was there to meet my son and they are together in heaven looking down on us all. Im back in that dark hole I fought so hard to get out of. I was starting to see some light and now my world has gone dark again. I cant imagine a life without my 4 boys an
Read more

June 2nd 2024 My First Born Son Passed Away 💔🕊

-
My first born beautiful boy passed away today, I am absoloutely devastated. Im struggling to come to terms with the death of my father, im hanging on by a thread and then my son passes away. My son died today, my baby boy died and I dont know how to live a life without him. I dont want to live a life without him!!! When will my nightmare of a life end? How do I carry on when all I want to do is die? My son was 21 years old, his name is Jay-Dee Colclough. I just want to sceam and rip my hair out, I want to die. I cant die can I, I have 3 other children that need me. I know one day im going to die.Im sat telling myself that my other boys need me but I feel like my body just wants to give up. Im tired now of fighting depression. I am so fucking tired. How do you carry on living when a piece of you has just passed away, someone tell me how I carry on living without my son..
Read more