Cancer, Depression and Me.

Well ive woken up feeling so deflated. I fucking hate depression. Im just sat feeling so low. I just miss my dad and son so much. Its 11.50am ive been up about an hour and I could just go back sleep. Ive already had enough of today. God im so tired and drained. Its raining and I need go the shops. I still haven't collected my medication. Everything feels overwhelming. I just need to breathe.  I wish my son could of come to me and told me how he was feeling. Saying that, I only tell my blog how im feeling so I guess I can understand. I wish I could of saved him. I wish I could of saved my dad, why didn't I ask about clinical trials? I just wish id of done more. Why didn't I wake through the night to message Jay-Dee? Why didn't my body wake me up, where were my mother's instincts? I just hate that they're both dead. I hate having PTSD because I just keep reliving everything, every day. I hate having EUPD because I just can't keep up with the changes in my mood...

Finally come out of my depressive state i was in, still not feeling fantastic, but i feel better. Ive had a long phone call with one of my friends, ive been out to cut my hedges with Jesse. Ive actually styled my hair today. Im feeling so much better. Thank God.  Jasper hasn't gone for his first day at work, think his nerves took over. I feel for him, its a big change going to work for the first time. Not sure what hes going to do now. He could do with a job doing nights because hes up all night and sleeps all day. Ive just started watching a new series on Netflix called Death Of The Pastors Wife and thats my day today.  Jesse's on his ps5 and Jensen is asleep. Its 2.40pm. Absolutely killed me getting up at 8am today to wake Jasper up so god help me next week when its back to school and my alarm will be set for 7am. Can't wait get back to a routine though. Thank god my mental health has improved, I literally thought i was going to kill myself this past week. Mental health i...

Finally showered and washed my hair. Forced myself to do it today. Feeling a bit better today. Taken my dog for a little walk, a bit of fresh air did me good. Its 9.05pm and im sat here thinking about when the police officer told me my son was dead. Still doesnt seem real. Keep hoping to wake up from this nightmare im living. Why my son? Ill never understand. Why my dad? I question my faith some times because, why did God let this happen? Keep telling myself hes got a plan for me, but im tired of waiting for something good to come from all this. Why did I have cancer and survive when it killed my father? So many whys.  Anyway, got be up at 8am tomorrow to wake Jasper up. Its his first day at work tomorrow. Ive told him, if he doesnt like it, come home. Life's too short to stay in a shitty job. Hes nervous and im nervous for him. Hes only 18, hes still my baby. Jensen is 23 on Sunday and then him and Jay-Dee are always the same age for 30 days until Jay-Dee turns 24 the end of next ...

Ive just taken my dog on a walk before this house consumes me. Needed to get out. Jesse came with me so I wasn't on my own. How am I feeling? I dont really know. I feel a bit numb to life. Ive still not showered, but ive walked my dog, so thats a start. I just feel so depressed all the time. I know it will do me good when im back doing the school run and nipping Asda for stuff for tea. I need to go get my medication at some point this week. Its Jensens birthday this weekend and im broke. Feel overwhelmed with life. I dont fit in anymore. Is my purpose just to be a mum? Why did my dad die of cancer? Why did my son kill himself? Its all that ever goes around in my head. Its draining. Im mentally exhausted. I just want to sleep my days away, im so tired. Proud of myself for taking my dog out though, its a step in the right direction. Just got to keep going, regardless of how im feeling. Have to keep telling myself that my boys need me. It keeps me going. Done some washing today and pe...

Didn't shower yesterday like I said i was going to, I honestly dont know when I last showered. My hair is a mess, its desperate to be washed. Im in such a depressive state, im so low its unreal. The main thing is that im still alive. The goal is to live, im sure ill get the energy to shower at some point. Its killing me getting out of bed in the morning, I just dont want to face life. I saw a tiktok earlier that said "10 years on earth, is 1 hour in heaven. Ill see you in the morning". Oh how I hope that is true and my dad and son are waiting for me. Death can't come quick enough, im so desperate to see my father and son again. Im so heartbroken. My friend, Tom has asked if I want go out for food Tuesday, ive said yes, dont really want to go out, but I will. I know it will do me good. I feel so drained by life. I just want to sleep all the time. Jasper will be here soon, hes sleeping tonight. I always feel a bit better when my boys are with me. Jensen im hoping will b...

Can't seem to snap myself out of how im feeling. Its been over a week now and i dont feel any better. I am so depressed. Didn't want to get up this morning, but Jesse wanted his breakfast and i needed to feed my animals. I desperately need to shower, but i just feel so drained. Ive got no energy do anything. I honestly wish I was dead. Ive got nothing inside of me, im so tired. Is the end coming? Ive given up on life, im trying so hard. Im finding no happiness in being alive. I know ive got to keep going for my boys, but I am so tired. Haven't even taken my morning medication yet, its 12.52pm. Need to force myself take them. Im going to force myself at some point today to get a shower and wash my hair. I can't keep living like this, this isn't living, this is surviving. 

I dont think i could feel any lower than I feel. Ive got dressed and took Jasper to his job interview, which he got. I went to collect my glasses from Boots. Got some shower gels from pound land and the whole time I felt like I was dying. Ive got nothing in me, but I keep showing up. I have hit rock bottom and no one would know. I feel sick, can depression do that? Im empty inside. Haven't even got the energy to blog, so ill see you tomorrow.