Cancer, Depression and Me.

I go the cafe before Jesse goes in school every morning to buy Jesse a snack and milkshakes for snack time in school. I got there early today about 8:05am. I brought him his snacks and just sat there waiting for 8:30am so i could see him off into school. I must of dissociated because I sat down and the next thing I knew, it was half 8. I must of spent 25 minutes doing absolutely nothing. People were all around me, but I just dissociated from the world. I looked at the clock and was like, oh shit its half past. I didn't get sleep last night till after 12am and its got to be because I napped through the day. Ive been tired all day today, but ive stayed awake. Want an early night. I think im tired all the time because im emotionally drained. Depression is draining me. Spent the day clearing my kitchen work tops and cupboards out, kept me busy. Im such a cluttery person, so ive tried to put things away instead of things being all over my work tops. Another day of hanging on by a thread...

Got up and took Jesse school today, really didn't want leave the house. Had to force myself to go and wear my smile. I feel exhausted mentally. Went the cafe and my friend asked if I was ok, and I said no. I barely spoke. I told them that I felt exhausted mentally. Im so tired. I walked to Asda and thought about stepping infront of a car, but they weren't driving fast enough to kill me, so I didn't. Jay-Dees anniversary of his death has really knocked me back. I just want to sleep my days away, but im a mum and ive got shit to do. Ive come home, put my shopping away, hoovered up, done my dishes, cleaned the litter tray out and washed it, ive got a wash on now which ill put in the dryer when its done, then ill fold it all. Im sat down now. Might try have a little sleep because I just feel so tired. Glad ive got Jesse in school though. My holiday is fast approaching and ive not got anything to take yet. I really need to go Primark to get some shorts and tops. Im absolutely sh...

Last night I thought about slitting my wrists. I just wanted to end my life. I told my brother and sister how I felt, I told them I struggle everyday with life. I cried thinking about my dad and son. Life is so hard. Ive not taken Jesse school again, I just couldnt get out of bed. Im so tired with life. I feel drained all the time. Grief is killing me. I told my brother and sister that one day depression will end my life. They told me that they needed me alive and it would destroy them and my kids. I know this, which is why i fight for my life everyday. I know it would destroy my kids and family, and im trying my best to live, regardless of whether I want to or not. Ive been dealt a shitty hand in life. The past 5 and a half years have been so traumatic. My dad dying, then I had cancer, and my son killed himself. My head is fucked! I can't deal with everything thats happened. My brain can't process it all. I keep thinking this is all a nightmare ill wake up from. Ive just got m...

My alarm went off at 7am, I lay there thinking about it being 2 years for Jay-Dee and just couldnt get out of bed. Couldn't bring myself to do life today, so i kept Jesse off.  2 years without my son. My heart is forever broken. I miss him so much. I feel numb today, got no motivation at all. My friends have messaged, some have turned up with flowers and gifts. Im grateful to each and everyone of them. I feel so sad today. Where have the past 2 years gone? I feel like ive blinked and hes been gone for 2 years. How have I made it this far in life without committing suicide? Honeatly dont know how im still alive. The strength I get from my living children is immense. I'd he dead without them. A canvas i ordered a couple of weeks ago of Jay-Dee arrived today, so ive just put it up on my wall. I sit staring at my canvases of him and still can't believe hes gone. It still doeant feel real, I wish he'd walk in from work like he use to. God I miss him so much. I just hope hes ...

2 years tomorrow since my son tragically passed away. 2 whole years without my child by my side. 2 years of emptiness. My friends took me Leek today to get me out of the house, didn't want go, just wanted be on my own, but I went. Hasn't taken the pain away that i feel inside. I honestly dont know how ive made it through the last 5 and a half years. Dad died and i died inside. Something changed me that day. My son dying has just wrote me off. I try everyday to get through each day, but its hard work. I just hate being alive. I wont be doing anything tomorrow, ill be remembering my son like I do everyday, but the anniversary of his death will be hard. I wont be going the cafe in the morning, I wont feel like talking, like most days. 5 and a half years since my dad passed away and 2 years tomorrow for my son. Life is hard. It kills me that I never got to say goodbye to my son. I remember kissing his face in The Chapel Of Rest. Seeing him in a coffin haunts me. I remember seeing m...

Didn't feel like going out today, even said I didn't feel upto going out to my friends, but one of them said she needed her girls today. So I got dressed and went out with them. I didn't want to go because I really couldnt afford, one of my friends said it was her treat. We went The Man In Space and ive had a really lovely day. Had a mixed grill and a desert, we nipped Home Bargains for some bits and then back to one of my friends house for a cuppa. Its been a really lovely day. We're going Leek tomorrow to have a browse around and go for a cup of tea and cake somewhere.  I really do have the best friends I could wish for. They know its coming upto Jay-Dees anniversary of his death and they're so supportive. Im feeling thankful today. Ive had a right off stomach today though, all bloated and hard. Full of wind. Anyway, im back home and in my pjs. Im watching something called Nemesis on Netflix, its really good. Back to the school run in the morning, already not look...

I had my brother here yesterday from about dinner time till 7pm ish. Was a good day, kept my mind occupied. Today, ive been nipping in and out of the front garden trying sort it out. My arms are aching from using the hedge cutters. Im waiting for my canvas arrive of Jay-Dee that I ordered, it should of been here 2 days ago so im not happy. Ive got a big canvas of Jay-Dee up in my living room and im putting little canvases of him around it. Breaks my heart that all I have left are photos of him and my dad. I miss them both with all my heart. A few of my friends have asked me to go The Man In Space tomorrow for a meal, so that will be nice. We went there a few months back and the mixed grill was lovely. Be nice to have a catch up with them. I hate having to do life without my father and son. I feel guilty for doing things without them both. Im trying so hard to live, but everyday my heart hurts. In 3 days time it will be 2 years without Jay-Dee, it will also be my sisters birthday. We...