June 3rd Wednesday.

Last night I thought about slitting my wrists. I just wanted to end my life. I told my brother and sister how I felt, I told them I struggle everyday with life. I cried thinking about my dad and son. Life is so hard. Ive not taken Jesse school again, I just couldnt get out of bed. Im so tired with life. I feel drained all the time. Grief is killing me. I told my brother and sister that one day depression will end my life. They told me that they needed me alive and it would destroy them and my kids. I know this, which is why i fight for my life everyday. I know it would destroy my kids and family, and im trying my best to live, regardless of whether I want to or not. Ive been dealt a shitty hand in life. The past 5 and a half years have been so traumatic. My dad dying, then I had cancer, and my son killed himself. My head is fucked! I can't deal with everything thats happened. My brain can't process it all. I keep thinking this is all a nightmare ill wake up from. Ive just got myself and Jesse dressed to go the crem and lay flowers on Jay-Dees flower bed. Life was never meant to be like this. Im traumatised. Its alot for the brain to deal with. Ill never get over the death of my father and son. It will haunt me forever. Im so depressed and sad. Dont know how to snap myself out of how im feeling. Im so drained. I just want to sleep my life away. I dont want to participate in life, ive had enough. Losing my child is killing me. Ive got to keep making it through each day, thats my goal. Live to see another day. My children need me.