Cancer, Depression and Me.

Can someone please tell me how to find happiness again? Im so sad. My father and son are on my mind all day, everyday. I think about their deaths and how much its destroyed my life. Im thinking of dying my hair dark, im fed up of having roots. My hair looks a mess and im sick of it. Its adding to my depression. Ive put 2 hair dyes in my Amazon basket for when ive got some money and im going brown. Its time for a change. Ive had a shit day today mentally speaking. Went the cafe to see a few friends, told one of them that my mental health is bad and she said she knows. It must be because I dont talk much, I wouldnt bother going, but I have to force myself to socialise so I dont get even more depressed. Im so fed up of doing this life, but I just can't give up. I have to show up for my kids. I dont see the point in me being alive, im sad all the time and im sick of it. Sick and tired of grieving and i know its a forever thing. I can't live like this forever. I told my friends this...

Wonder if ill make it to the age of 50? Im 42 now and when im 50 i want to take out a funeral plan and pay monthly so my kids dont have to worry when im dead, but thats if I make it to 50.. the way things are going, its not likely. I absolutely hate being alive. Couldn't go see my friends this morning because Jasper had a parcel coming and its a good job I rushed back because his parcel was just sat on the step when I got home. Im tired today, didn't want to get up, but I forced myself. Ive got an attendance meeting Thursday about Jesse's attendance so I really need him in school so no more time off. We go away July 1st so ill probably get a fine, but id rather pay a fine than the price of the holiday in half term. The prices shoot up, its ridiculous! Ive not brought anything yet for the holiday, my heart isn't in it. I honestly wish id never booked it. Im sure we'll have the best time when we're there. I hope. Not sure how i feel today, im not happy, but im not...

Jesse's still with Damian after his sleepover last night, Jasper is asleep here on the settee and im sat thinking I can't do this anymore. Feel so overwhelmed with life. I really can't do this anymore, but im left with no choice but to survive. Its 11:48am and ive already lost the will to live. Depression is heavy today. Im not doing anything with my life except surviving. Im using all my strength to just get through each day. Im so tired of being alive. I was awake at half 4 this morning being sick. I had really bad acid in my throat. Don't know why. Then I slept in till 10:45am. Ive done my dishes, im doing a load of washing which ill fold when its all dry and thats my day. Bank holiday Monday and im stuck in doors losing the will to live. My throat is sore from being sick too. I dont want to be here anymore, but ive no choice but to stay alive for my kids. So fed up of feeling like this everyday. Its really getting me down. I dont go anywhere to meet anyone and im sc...

After saying yesterday that I was feeling ok and not suicidal, last night I thought about sticking a blade straight through my jugular.. what is fucking wrong with me?!. Ive felt like shit all day today, didn't want get out of bed this morning, but someone has to feed Jesse and the animals. I have to get up and keep the house going. Jesse is sleeping Damians tonight so ill have the bed to myself. Ive done nothing today, just surviving. Im so glad I dont drink alcohol anymore and I can control the intrusive thoughts. If I was still drinking id be dead by now. I would of taken my own life. Life's hard enough sober, so it would be ten times worse if I was drunk. 4 years and 5 months sober now, no going back. I still have the odd day now and again where I could just drink a pint, especially when the sun is out, but I have to push through for my kids. I hate having suicidal thoughts, I wish I was normal. For me, living is torture. I just want to be happy and enjoy life, but grief an...

Finally, a better day. Im low, but not as low as ive been feeling. Got dressed today and took my dog for a walk, she must of thought it was her birthday or something haha. Jesse came on his bike, it was good to get out of the house and go for a walk. Im not suicidal today. Thank God. Im having a day off my diet today, ive been fasting all week and lost a big fat nothing! Ill carry on after today, but i usually dont diet on a Saturday. Its a cheat day. Not going lie, i can't wait climb into bed and have a cuddle off Jesse. I love being asleep, its my escape from life. So thankful for days like today where ive got a bit of motivation and will to live. I wouldnt say no to dying, but today im glad im alive for my boys.  Damian has booked Warwick Castle for the half term to take Jesse for a sleepover for a birthday treat. Jesse's going to love it. Damian does so much with him and im so thankful to him. He has him every Sunday too. They're always going out to new places and makin...

Ive literally got nothing to say anymore. I was at the cafe with my friends and I just kept smiling at them when they were talking to me. I barely say a word. I dont see the point in going if im honest when I have nothing to say, but i go because I force myself to socialise. All I want to do is lie in my bed, curled up in a ball and let time pass me by. I really dont see a point to my existence. Im losing the will to live. Im hanging on by a thread. Don't know how im going to live for the rest of my life. I dont want to grow old, I just dont want to be here anymore. Im so depressed its unreal. Depression will take my life one day. I have enough medication in to end my life, I think about it most days, but like I say, I just can't leave my boys without a mum. So I have to keep getting through each day regardless of how I feel. Life is tough, it really is hard work for me. Its a battle to get through each day without killing myself. Thank god ive got my boys to keep me going. I t...

I often find myself standing in the kitchen and staring out the window. Not looking at anything, I just dissociate for a while. I do it alot. My mind just wonders off to nowhere. Pics of Jay-Dee came on my Facebook memories this morning and my heart sank. He had so much more life to live, ill never understand why he killed himself. I never got to say goodbye. I held my dad's hand as he took his last breath and got to say goodbye and it still kills me inside. The pain I feel inside since losing my dad and son I can't even describe. I feel numb to life, ive given up on living and that makes me sad. Death has destroyed me, I dont recognise myself. My hair is a mess, my roots are massive and ive not washed it for 3 weeks. Im going to force myself to wash it this weekend. Please dont judge me, im grieving and im so depressed. Im trying my best to lose weight, but im struggling because of the medication and Menopause. I feel like ive let myself go. I dont even want to be alive never ...