Cancer, Depression and Me.

Gutted me not buying Jay-Dee an easter egg when I brought his brothers one. Its the little things that hurt the most. Im watching something called The Cleaning Lady on Netflix and there's a man in it called Jay-Dee. Thought I was hearing things at first, but the more the name was said I realised he was actually called Jay-Dee. How crazy is that. Ive stripped Jesse's bed and washed his bottom sheet. Ive binned his quilt cover because ive brought him a new coverless duvet to put on. Im getting him back into his own bed, i want my bed back. He slept in his own room last night, so i thought it was time to make it all cosy for him with new bedding. Ive got no plans for today, just watching this on Netflix and have a chilled out day eating chocolate. Its my nephews birthday Tuesday and my sister is doing a bbq so that will be nice, just hope the weather is nice for it. Its currently hailing and raining, it looks miserable outside. Ive just put my heating on because im freezing. Dream...

Been questioning my sobriety and why im even sober, so i reached out to my brother and sister on our group chat. My sister said i would spiral and that I self harm when im drunk and that I also wouldnt stop at one drink. I needed to hear them words because they're all true. Its only 11am and i feel sad that my dad and son are no longer here with me. Just been looking at the canvases on my stairs of my dad and son and my heart sank. I can't tell you how much I miss them both. Its hurts my heart. Why am I questioning my sobriety? Maybe because I feel like i dont fit in and I did when I was drinking. I dont drink, I quit the weed about 8 weeks ago, I dont smoke, I dont do drugs, I literally vape thats it and im giving that up when I go on holiday. I thought it would be a good time to quit, not buying one when im away. I tried to kill myself so many times in drink which is why I got sober. My kids are proud of me so why am I questioning it?! I dunno, im just having one of those day...

Been out today with Jesse to meet my sister and niece, Athena. Was nice to see them both. We went Costa and for myself and Jesse to have a bottle of Oasis, it cost nearly £6.. £6 for 2 bottles of pop. Absolutely ridiculous, yes I brought them as we were thirsty, but to then go in Poundland and they're a £1. Disgusting. Anyway, went Primark and brought some more new pjs. I have more pjs than I do clothes, but they're all covered in little holes where my cat claws the fuck out of my legs. Hes only 5 months old so im hoping he grows out of it because he can be quite pevish haha. Went round a few shops, got some bits from Iceland and came home. Straight into my new pjs haha. Was looking at the holiday stuff in Primark which ill have to start buying soon because our holiday to Magaluf is fast approaching. Im honestly dreading it. Ill be ok when we arrive, im just panicking about the airport and finding our transfers when we arrive. I have to keep telling myself ill be ok. Just had c...

March went by fast, I find that I dissociate alot and the months just pass me by. Jesse has just got home from his sleepover and cinema morning with Damian. He gave me a big hug and said he missed me. This is why I keep living. Its the little things that make a massive difference. That hug saved my life. My boys dont realise how much they save me everyday. Its 1:22pm and im still in my pjs. Had the laziest morning with Jesse not being here. Trying to be positive today and thankful. I try everyday to be as positive as I possibly can, but some days are so heavy. I struggle most days, so im always thankful for the "better" days. Myself and Jesse are meeting up with my sister and her kids tomorrow for hot chocolates, which will be nice. Im just doing a load of washing and im making a pasta bake for tea. Last night it was just me and Jensen in the house, so we had a cheeky take away. I had omelette and chips. Was so nice. I love an omelette from the take away, always taste better ...

I was thinking earlier about the fact that my son went and got a hair cut just before travelling to the rave in Liverpool. Why would you bother getting your hair cut if you planned on killing yourself? You wouldnt! Why did he kill himself? It's killing me. What must of been going through my sons head early hours that Sunday morning? Oh god, it honestly kills me inside thinking about it all. Grief is killing me. I had 19 months with my dad watching him deteriorate because cancer starved him to death and it still doesnt feel real that hes gone forever. Grief will be the death of me, that or the depression. Im not coping with my father and sons death and im not sure what im meant to do about it. Chucking medication at me isn't working. Group trauma therapy didn't work. My psychiatrist isn't helping. Ive had bereavement counselling and that helped I guess, but only a little bit. I feel like im trapped in a dark hole. Im consumed by grief. It eats away at me daily and I can...

I was just sat thinking about when I told the nurse to take my dad's oxygen off him. He wouldnt of wanted any of us to prolong his death and I had to make the choice. It killed me and still plays on my mind to this day. I sat by his side in that hospital day and night until he took his last breath. Family came through the day, but it was me and dad at night. I'd do it all over again in a heart beat if it meant I got to spend more time with him. I saw my dad and my son in the Chapel Of Rest and the images in my mind haunt me. Seeing my son in the Chapel Of Rest injured from his fall was horrendous, Damian wouldnt come in to see him and I dont blame him, as a mother I had to see my child one last time, but the image of him with blood over his head and bandaged up is something ill never forget. People tell me how strong I am, but they really have no clue on how much im suffering in silence. Losing my father and son is killing me. I dont see a way out of how I feel, only death. I j...

My son stepped off the 17th floor of a multistory car park in Liverpool at 5:30am Sunday morning. Ill never ever understand why he decided to take his own life. It literally kills me everyday. What must of been going through his head that morning. I dont think I can do this life anymore. The seasons are passing me by and im clueless to how im getting through them. Feel like life is passing me by and im stuck in one place. Grief, im stuck in grief. 1:38pm Sunday afternoon, my dad took his last breath as I held his hands. He saw me take my first breath and I watched him take his last. An image that haunts me daily. Cancer stole my father from me. Not going lie, im really struggling with life. Honestly, I dont want to be here anymore. I can't deal with losing my father and son. Im broken. Im fighting for a life that I dont even want anymore. My life is like groundhog day. I wake up, I try not to kill myself and I go to bed and do it all over again the next day. Im not living, im survi...