Cancer, Depression and Me.

Been out today with Jesse to meet my sister and niece, Athena. Was nice to see them both. We went Costa and for myself and Jesse to have a bottle of Oasis, it cost nearly £6.. £6 for 2 bottles of pop. Absolutely ridiculous, yes I brought them as we were thirsty, but to then go in Poundland and they're a £1. Disgusting. Anyway, went Primark and brought some more new pjs. I have more pjs than I do clothes, but they're all covered in little holes where my cat claws the fuck out of my legs. Hes only 5 months old so im hoping he grows out of it because he can be quite pevish haha. Went round a few shops, got some bits from Iceland and came home. Straight into my new pjs haha. Was looking at the holiday stuff in Primark which ill have to start buying soon because our holiday to Magaluf is fast approaching. Im honestly dreading it. Ill be ok when we arrive, im just panicking about the airport and finding our transfers when we arrive. I have to keep telling myself ill be ok. Just had c...

March went by fast, I find that I dissociate alot and the months just pass me by. Jesse has just got home from his sleepover and cinema morning with Damian. He gave me a big hug and said he missed me. This is why I keep living. Its the little things that make a massive difference. That hug saved my life. My boys dont realise how much they save me everyday. Its 1:22pm and im still in my pjs. Had the laziest morning with Jesse not being here. Trying to be positive today and thankful. I try everyday to be as positive as I possibly can, but some days are so heavy. I struggle most days, so im always thankful for the "better" days. Myself and Jesse are meeting up with my sister and her kids tomorrow for hot chocolates, which will be nice. Im just doing a load of washing and im making a pasta bake for tea. Last night it was just me and Jensen in the house, so we had a cheeky take away. I had omelette and chips. Was so nice. I love an omelette from the take away, always taste better ...

I was thinking earlier about the fact that my son went and got a hair cut just before travelling to the rave in Liverpool. Why would you bother getting your hair cut if you planned on killing yourself? You wouldnt! Why did he kill himself? It's killing me. What must of been going through my sons head early hours that Sunday morning? Oh god, it honestly kills me inside thinking about it all. Grief is killing me. I had 19 months with my dad watching him deteriorate because cancer starved him to death and it still doesnt feel real that hes gone forever. Grief will be the death of me, that or the depression. Im not coping with my father and sons death and im not sure what im meant to do about it. Chucking medication at me isn't working. Group trauma therapy didn't work. My psychiatrist isn't helping. Ive had bereavement counselling and that helped I guess, but only a little bit. I feel like im trapped in a dark hole. Im consumed by grief. It eats away at me daily and I can...

I was just sat thinking about when I told the nurse to take my dad's oxygen off him. He wouldnt of wanted any of us to prolong his death and I had to make the choice. It killed me and still plays on my mind to this day. I sat by his side in that hospital day and night until he took his last breath. Family came through the day, but it was me and dad at night. I'd do it all over again in a heart beat if it meant I got to spend more time with him. I saw my dad and my son in the Chapel Of Rest and the images in my mind haunt me. Seeing my son in the Chapel Of Rest injured from his fall was horrendous, Damian wouldnt come in to see him and I dont blame him, as a mother I had to see my child one last time, but the image of him with blood over his head and bandaged up is something ill never forget. People tell me how strong I am, but they really have no clue on how much im suffering in silence. Losing my father and son is killing me. I dont see a way out of how I feel, only death. I j...

My son stepped off the 17th floor of a multistory car park in Liverpool at 5:30am Sunday morning. Ill never ever understand why he decided to take his own life. It literally kills me everyday. What must of been going through his head that morning. I dont think I can do this life anymore. The seasons are passing me by and im clueless to how im getting through them. Feel like life is passing me by and im stuck in one place. Grief, im stuck in grief. 1:38pm Sunday afternoon, my dad took his last breath as I held his hands. He saw me take my first breath and I watched him take his last. An image that haunts me daily. Cancer stole my father from me. Not going lie, im really struggling with life. Honestly, I dont want to be here anymore. I can't deal with losing my father and son. Im broken. Im fighting for a life that I dont even want anymore. My life is like groundhog day. I wake up, I try not to kill myself and I go to bed and do it all over again the next day. Im not living, im survi...

Ive watched Married At First Sight for years, Australian and UK. One of the experts on the show, Mel Shilling died a few days ago aged 54 and its really impacted on me. My dad died age 55 and it brought everything back to the surface. I know first hand how her family must be feeling. Its made me feel so sad the past few days that shes passed away. She was a lovely woman and its so sad. Damian sending me photos of Jay-Dee ive never seen before of him at work, that made my heart ache all over again. I can't tell you how much I miss my dad and son. I know I say it everyday and youre probably sick of reading it, but honestly, im absolutely heartbroken. 55 and 21 are no age to die. My son was a month away from completing his bricklaying apprenticeship. He had his whole life ahead of him. I will never ever understand why he killed himself and that kills me inside. Cancer stole my dad from me. I watched his cancer, esophageal cancer, starve him to death over 19 months. The heartache I fee...

Last day of school for 2 weeks, yay. Can't wait have a lie in tomorrow. All down my right side in my stomach is killing me, swear ive got a kidney infection. Going keep my eye on myself and go the doctors if it gets any worse. My heart aches today, just like any other day, but some days are heavy. Grief is heavy. Miss my son and my dad more than anything in the world. Thankful for my living children, but im grieving the loss of my father and son. Every day I live, is a day closer to my death. That's how I see it. I dont want to die because my boys need their mum, but death doesnt scare me. I was thinking about dying and you never know when you'll live your last day. We take living for granted. You never know when your death day will be. I welcome death, but not yet. I need to see my boys grow up. If it wasn't for my boys getting me through each day, id be dead already. Wonder how I will die? Do you ever think about your death or am I just morbid? Will depression kill me...