Cancer, Depression and Me.

I can't describe how much I detest these injections, so fed up of them now but today was a first for me, I actually injected myself 🥺 I put the needle in then froze before I pushed down to inject the stuff into myself.. I mean I literally froze looking at the needle hanging out 🤮🤮🤮 I've got tattoos and piercings but I hate needles with a passion 😭 think I have roughly 10 more days left of wearing these itchy horrible stockings and these stinging injections..  On the plus side, I had my first relaxing bath today after 2 weeks, oh god it was lovely, I just lay there like a corpse whilst the tap was just filling the bath with hot water around me. I closed my eyes, my body didn't move and my mind just wandered off to god knows where. I felt calm and relaxed for the first time in god knows how long, it wasn't like my usual soak where my bath is filled with bubbles, thats due to the staples only just coming out so it was just nice clean warm water. I'd love be able b...

Staples out, exactly 2 weeks since surgery and yet still can't have a bath.. the district nurse said leave it today just to let the holes where the staples have come out settle 🥺 I'm so desperate to soak in a nice warm bath. Heres a few photos from today 📸 ⚠️ Warning graphic content ⚠️ Excuse the swelling still 😳 

 🌞 Finally waking up to the sunshine, seeing the rain everyday whilst been in pain makes your days even more depressing, i was awake before 5am and the sun was shining through the curtains, i found myself lying there in a gaze just appreciating waking up to the sun. What a mood changer the sun is, everything seems better with the sun out. Even taking my handful of tablets every morning and the injection in my leg felt better today. Jesse-John watched as Zoe injected me this morning, he's the sweetest little boy ever, he said "don't hurt mummy babe" he's always called Zoe babe, not sure why but he's so cute. When i have pain walking he'll hold my hand and say "take it easy mummy, careful mummy", he melts my heart. I do hope my cancer hasn't spread because the thought of leaving my boys is heart breaking. Trying to stay positive is so hard with results hanging over your head but the suns out and the weather is starting to get warmer so happy d...

 😣 When the phone rings and the screen tells you its the hospital,.. shit this is it, the results from the Lymph nodes that were taken, oh fuck here goes... NOPE!! A phone call to let me know the results still aren't back so it'll be next Tuesday now, would of been Monday but it's a god damn shitty bank holiday putting the most important news of my life on hold!! Just want scream!!!!!! My hormones are raging today, i've been a right bitch, i spoke to the cancer nurse and she confirmed.. Menopause.. fucking fantastic 👿  I've been angry to the point i've cried because i don't know why i'm so angry, this has been happening the past few days now. I'm eating like i'm having a period.. what is even going on in my body.. heads ready fall off today seriously 😫😫 Still taking pain killers but not as many as i was, still wearing the surgical stockings and Zoe is still injecting me everyday.. only another week or so left i'm hoping. Today can fuck of...

 Clearly over done it by popping out yesterday but it was so worth it, absolutely loved seeing people i've not seen in ages, actually over half a year easily. Like i say im paying for it today, my stomach is aching like a bad period, so i plan on resting now and not leaving the house for a few days.. Todays the day my consultants look at my Lymph node results, my phone is by my side whilst i sit and wait for the results, i keep checking my phone to make sure i've not missed the call, i'm praying its today they ring, not sure how much longer they can make me wait.. It's my brothers 35th birthday so i'd love to get good news results, it would make his day and make up for the past couple of shit years myself and my family have been going through 🙌 Come on phone ring!!!!

 Couldn't take much more of not lying in a nice warm bubble bath, so Zoe helped me in the bath. I lay there as she shaved my legs and washed my hair.. it really is the little things you miss so much and we really do take for granted. Just been able to clean yourself has become an absolute task but Zoe has been the best partner ever through all of this. Cancer has made us closer than ever and stronger together 💓  So today not only have i had a lovely relaxing bath, Zoe's changed my dressing, clean stocking on, which let me add, the whole process has the pair of us in stitches.. literally 😂😂 I've been able dry my own hair and even colour my eye brows in.. like i say its the small things we take for granted. Anyways even though i can't stand up or walk for long, Zoe's taking me out for a carvery 🐷🐷 I can not wait to get out of this house, been stuck in through lockdown and now the operation, it's taken a toll on my mental health massively.. i need to get out o...