May 6th 2024 I'm Slipping..

I'm slipping back into a dark hole and I don't know why, it's taken me a week to build myself up to wash my hair and body, I didn't brush my teeth yesterday.. 

I don't understand what my purpose in life is and i feel like I don't fit in anymore. 

I've gained so much weight with medication I take. Why is being alive such a battle?

I'm really struggling with my sobriety just lately, I want to stay sober but I won't lie, I miss drinking, I miss socialising. 

To be honest, I just miss the old me, the person I was before the trauma.

Before the death of my father.

Losing a parent changes your life forever, you see everything different after you lose someone that is the most important person in your life. You lose yourself completely, you'll go through different grieving stages and then revisit them over and over and over again.

You fight to stay alive but the whole time you wish you were dead.

You stop caring about the world and everything in it, you just don't care anymore. 

You don't argue anymore, let it be, we just let stuff be. I've got no energy for any hate.

You stop speaking to people because you struggle to make conversations, you isolate yourself to the point where you have to build yourself up to nip the supermarket. You completely lose who you are.

It's been 3 & half years since the death of my father and I haven't been right since....

Am I always going to feel this way?

I don't know who I am.